One Mistake
by birthofthecool
Summary: A few decisions change everything and Third impact never happens. Asuka and Shinji grow closer until one day a past mistake threatens both. Is happiness possible for the two of them?
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Ramblings:_

**_So, here it is my first fanfiction, at least the first chapter._**

**_Originally this was supposed to be a oneshot, but the story kept on growing and growing, now I guess there might be three or four chapters._**

**_I'll try to update as soon as possible, but maybe I'll publish the first chapter of my second story first, we'll see._**

**_I'd love to have review's, but please don't be too cruel, because then the tiny flower of my creativity might wither._**

_Spoken words are set in ""_

_Thoughts are italic_

**_Disclaimer: I don't own NGE or its characters, but I'd sure like to._**

**_All rights stay with the owner, which is sad, because even I might have managed a better Rebuild: 2.2._**

_ADD-ON 07/03/11:_

_Having just read EOE: Higher learning by Strike-Fizz I realized there are a few small similarities between this first chapter and HL's version of the occurrence, I assure you this is just coincidence this has all been written long before I read HL. In fact the basic events of the first chapter were in my head before I read most of the alternative retellings. I'm relatively new to this fanfic stuff, so I'm still catching up._

_…and now for something completely different:_

* * *

X

X

**One Mistake:**

X

X

**Chapter One - The Attack:**

XX

Misato had a hard time organising the defence measures, for a while it had seemed as if the only possible outcome would be death for everybody at N.E.R.V. HQ, especially considering how merciless the enemy acted.

Their Security simply was no match for the JSSDF forces invading the Geofront.

The fighting even spread to the command center for some time and the bridge crew had a hard time fighting them off, barely finishing the last attackers, after the Geofront had been pried open by N2 mines.

But somehow Asuka had managed to pull herself together again and pretty much wiped the JSSDF tanks and gunships out, until a full retreat started.

With support and reinforcements for the invading forces gone and as much of the outer sections and corridors flooded with bakelite as was possible, Misato dared to allow herself a little hope

Then the MP EVA's started their attack run and when they appeared on the screens Misato was certain that Asuka and in addition probably all of N.E.R.V. was doomed.

No matter how incredibly high the german girls sync-level was right now, considering the state she had been in only hours before, somehow just the sight of these "creatures" told Misato it was over.

How was UNIT 02 supposed to destroy nine of these monsters alone, when her umbilical chord had already been severed by the JSSDF?

X

The beautiful, purple haired woman cursed herself, that she didn't follow her first impulse to find Shinji, drag him here and persuade him to pilot Unit 01 again.

Now they had completely lost contact with UNIT 01 and no idea were its pilot was.

Still she had to admit so far Asuka seemed to make short work of the MP EVA's.

She disposed of one opponent after the other using her EVA and it's AT field with extraordinary skill, and Misato couldn't help but be happy that the young girl, who had been no more than an empty husk, ever since Arael's attack, had managed to find her self-esteem again.

_"Asuka, I promise you, if we survive this. I'll be there for you. God knows I've hurt and manipulated you kids enough for a lifetime" _

She thought to herself-

_"I'm their guardian, but I always put the pilots before the two lonely kids, who are supposed to be my charges. I'm almost as bad as Commander Ikari…" _

She winced at the thought, but couldn't deny the truth in it.

Hopefully she'd get the chance to make amends.

Judging by what was seen in the command center, it really looked as if it was possible, because while the last few seconds of the timer ticked down, Asuka was actually down to the last two MP-Eva's.

The fiery redhead took the two enemies out, with a single punch, through both bodies and Misato almost allowed herself to relax a little, when she caught something moving in the corner of her eyes.

One of the two-bladed swords used by the MP EVA's was flying towards Asuka, who barely managed to stop it in time with UNIT 02's AT-field.

In the next few seconds, so much happened that Misato only fully realized the sequence of events, when she reviewed the recorded footage afterwards.

X

The destroyed and beaten MP-EVA's pulled themselves together again and started moving. The blade that was trapped changed its form until it represented a familiar weapon.

_"This can't be happening! The Lance of Longinus?" _

The thought shot through Misato's mind.

The next moment UNIT 02's timer hit zero, the lance hurled forward when a familiar purple-clad hand caught it mid-flight, just meters before it connected with UNIT 02's head.

Roaring furiously, UNIT 01 appeared seemingly out of nowhere, stopped the lance and hurled it back against the MP-EVA, which had thrown it.

The weapon went straight through its body and unlike before an explosion destroyed the enemy.

UNIT 01 ran up to the next MP-EVA, that was just about to regenerate the damage Asuka had inflicted upon it, while at the same time trying to get up again.

Without hesitation the purple-green clad giant smashed his fist through the enemy's body with devastating force. Ripping out what looked like an S² core.

X

_"That's how they do it! The bastards really equipped them with S² cores."_

Misato realized that even with UNIT 01 back in the battle, it wouldn't be a piece of cake.

This was torture. First she felt her heart beat painfully hard in chest, when they almost lost Asuka, then it was almost as aggravating when the girl was saved in the last minute.

X

Hugging the retrieved core to his chest with one arm, EVA 01 raced back to its red companion.

Taking out its progressive knife with the right hand and in the same motion throwing it into the head of another MP-EVA, which had risen to its feet on the right side of UNIT 02, just to hit the ground once again,

UNIT 01 jumped high and delivered a kick to the head of a second MP-Eva, which had simultaneously risen to UNIT 02's left.

The kick carried all the energy provided by the EVA's mad dash, taking off almost the complete head of the enemy.

Tossing the S² core into his right hand, the purple-green Mecha caught the neck of his opponent, while at the same time pressing the core into the unmoving, powerless hands of UNIT 02.

Then, grabbing the MP-Eva's neck with his right hand as well, it proceeded to savagely rip the headless enemy in two pieces.

UNIT 01 then proceeded to rip the S² core out of the remains and smashed it in his fist.

"Open communication channels to UNIT 01. I need to know what's going on!" Misato yelled at the bridge crew.

"Lines established, no visuals possible."

"Shinji? Is that you? What happened?"

No answer.

"Maya, do we still register nothing""

The petite woman's beautiful face was red from tears and horror.

All the dying hurt her and the fighting around the control center had almost been too much.

Nonetheless she carried on and now began to type away furiously at her keyboard.

"I've got a feed again. Pilot's life signs are stabilized, but the stress factor is dangerously high.

His sync-rate is at a 100%. Unbelievable."

"Damnit, if he's okay, then why isn't he answering?"

Misato's hands clasped the console before her, slamming her fist on it in frustration.

X

At the same time UNIT 01 took the weapon of his destroyed opponent and used it to deflect two more lances thrown at it and UNIT 02.

Then turning its head to the red-clad EVA, UNIT 01's head appeared to be totally puzzled.

The next moment it let out a frustrated cry, while almost unconsciously deflecting another thrown lance. The cry was echoed by a similar sound coming through the open com channel with UNIT 01.

It sounded feral, almost like an animal. And Misato needed a moment to actually recognize that UNIT 01's pilot had cried out a word…

"ASUKA!"

Luckily the MP-EVA's seemed to be at a loss at what to do. So far they restricted themselves to just circle overhead, looking for an opening to defeat the two Mechas.

UNIT 01 jumped back to the front of its red counterpart, rammed his weapon into the ground and took the S² power core out of the other EVA's hand.

Then he forcefully opened UNIT 02's head, with a sickening sound, opening up what looked like a a bestial mouth full of giant teeth leading into a gullet.

Unit 01 simply shoved the core into the gaping maw.

A frustrated cry roared out of the purple-green giant, as nothing happened, again echoed by an animal like growl from its pilot. Then more human but still full of raw emotion:

"Asuka, just absorb this damn thing!"

Only now Misato actually was able to definitely recognize the voice as that of Shinji Ikari.

It sounded so aggressive, that it was hard to connect it with the normally timid teenager.

Still no reaction at all from UNIT 02. What if by piercing open it's throat, it had only been damaged even more?

UNIT 01 shoulders sagged a little bit and Misato could have sworn she recognized resignation in the EVA's armoured features.

Spinning around again, facing his enemies, slowly circling in the sky overhead, the EVA let loose a defiant cry, yet again mirrored by an equally inhuman noise generated by the third child…

As if the two, Eva and pilot, dared the MP-EVA's to attack again.

X

* * *

X

**Interlude:**

Darkness, illuminated only by a few spotlights, showing a number of black monoliths, with numbers and the word SEELE engraved on them, arranged in a circle

"This bodes ill; three of the MP-EVA's have been destroyed!"

"Is it even possible to start Third impact now?"

"Perhaps, if we can use UNIT 01, then there's still a chance."

"We can't loose too Ikari!"

X

* * *

X

UNIT 01 still carefully watched the five circling MP-Eva's.

Shinji continued to not respond to NERV's communication attempts.

Misato could hear his fast and heavy breathing, through the link, intermingled with something that sounded like a sob every few seconds.

„Wait! Five MP-Eva Units circling above? Three destroyed. That leaves…"

Just as Misato thought of it, the MP-EVA hit by UNIT 01's prog. knife, rose from the ground in a very peculiar motion and slowly pulled the knife out of it's skull. It loomed dangerously behind the still not noticing UNIT 01.

"Shinji!" Misato cried out.

"Oh no you don't, du dreckiges Schwein!"

Another voice sounded through the control center.

One of the MP-Eva's own weapons sliced diagonally through the enemy unit behind the purple-green EVA, severing head, arms and upper body half from the rest of its torso.

With the ghostly Mecha's body on the ground, UNIT 02 searched the carcass until its S² core was exposed and then quickly smashed by the two bladed sword.

"UNIT 02 is active again! The pilot's unhurt; Sync-rate is at a 100 as well."

Maya Ibuki's voice sounded both happy and amazed.

_"It must have ingested the core and used the weapon Shinji left standing in front of it_"

Flashed a thought through Misato's mind. So not only UNIT 01 was able to pull stunts like this.

"Incredible, just what is going on here?"

She said aloud, but it was more to herself and she didn't really expect one of her subordinates to answer.

Only now as the core exploded, UNIT 01 and its pilot seemed to notice what was happening behind them. Shinji turned his EVA around.

"Asuka!" he shrieked, his voice full of pure joy. "Asuka! Are you ok?"

"Yes." the wilful german girl replied, followed a few moments later by: „Thanks, Shinji."

And then, sounding almost like her old self: „Not like I needed your help of course. I was doing just fine, before you interrupted me, you Baka. Ne?"

"Go.. Gomen. Of course Asuka, I know."

The relief in Shinji's voice was clearly audible.

It sounded so much like them bickering in happier times that Misato actually had to choke down tears.

„_Kami-sama, I'm becoming quite emotional." _

Of course it was all Kaji's fault.

Again she promised herself to do right by the children, if they all managed to get out of this with their lives.

Shigeru and Makoto were shouting enthusiastically.

"Go on! Show them what we're made of! Smash those F%&$§!"

Maya was crying, with a big smile on her delicate features and even Commander Fuyutsuki allowed himself a small, hopeful smile, while he thought.

_"Yui, Kyoko, today you'd be proud of your kids. After all that happened to them the last months, they are still fighting." _

He chuckled inside himself.

_"Well, you two probably know this better than I do. _

_Now if only somebody finds a way to stop Gendo, then there might actually be hope for us."_

What followed reminded Misato most of the fight with the dual angel Israfel.

The red and the purple-green clad giants, both armed with one of their fallen enemies weapons, stood back to back, covering each other.

And when the MP-Eva's continued their attack, they acted like one mind in two bodies.

Ducking, jumping, deflecting enemy's weapons, dodging other attacks.

They both seemed to know instinctively, what the other was up to, striking out in unison, never leaving the other unguarded, as if in a deadly and elegant dance with their enemies.

One picture especially stuck in her mind, when she later remembered that day…

UNIT 02 holding his guard up against two enemies at the same time, not giving any ground even when both enemies hit his weapon together, trying to overpower him and push him back, to create an opening.

Then UNIT 01 is dropping to its knees, while UNIT 02 appears behind it, hurling itself through the air, both arms extended, holding the two bladed weapon horizontally in both hands.

The weapon and UNIT 01's head not more than a few meters apart, as it passes the Eva.

Both MP-EVA's are being ripped apart by the blades.

Asuka's EVA dives into a roll, comes up again behind them, already spinning around and before the parts of their enemies have fallen to the ground, her weapon slices the exposed S² core of one enemy in half.

Almost at the same instant Shinji rams his weapon forward and pierces the core of the second opponent.

Not that it was in any way an easy battle, both EVA's had to take a few heavy hits, but still, not 10 minutes after the MP-EVA's had started their attack on UNIT 02, the core of the last enemy disintegrated, pierced by another of the lance replicas, that had been thrown by the red armoured EVA.

X

Silence settled over the battlefield outside, but inside the HQ, the fight wasn't over.

"UNIT 01 and 02 stand ready. I've got an idea."

Misato turned to the bridge crew.

"Patch me through to all channels, every speaker still active, anything that makes a noise!

I've got to tell these murderous pigs something and I want to be sure they can hear me!"

Moments later Misato's voice boomed through every still functioning radio, every available speaker in the Geofront:

"Attention JSSDF forces! Your attack on N.E.R.V. is unwarranted. You are being used as dupes. Your leaders have either been fooled or a part of a planned cover-up.

Furthermore all your armed vehicles, aircrafts and artillery have been destroyed. Your EVA-Units are gone as well.

I have two battle-ready EVA's awaiting my commands and I promise you, if you don't lay down your weapons and retreat, they'll slaughter everyone of you.

Just, as ruthless as you've murdered our colleagues and friends.

And make no mistake, if you continue your attack and kill all of us left alive, they'll tear down the Geofront around you and bury you here."

"Nice speech Major, hopefully they'll get the message."

Commented Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki's somber voice.

"Thanks Commander. I hope t works. Yet after the way these soldiers acted here… I don't know. I just don't know."

Misato replied, before she opened up a line to the EVA's again.

"Asuka, Shinji, I'm sorry but you have to stay in your EVA's until the attack has stopped and we find a way to make sure they won't just return the moment you let your guard down.

This will take some time, but there simply is no other way to ensure they don't kill any more of us."

Both pilots acknowledged and relaxed themselves into their seats.

Now that the rush and excitement of the battle had faded, she could see the exhaustion in both of their faces, but somehow they both didn't seem as put down as before.

As if what they achieved today had mended at least a few of the cuts their souls had received.

"I want to say one thing to both of you.

What you did today…, that you both came through for us…

After everything you had to endure because of NERV and the angels.

That you both managed to pull yourself together... I'm so proud of you. I…"

Misato searched for the right words.

"I love you both, that's all I have to say, I love you and I'm sorry for everything. I will… I will to everything I can to do a better job helping you."

Both children seemed stunned by the emotion in the young woman's voice, as was Misato herself.

She probably had felt this long before, but didn't accept it, because than she'd have to do more to protect them both.

She blushed nervously, maybe she shouldn't have spoken directly in front of the bridge crew.

She kept her face pinned to the view screen until the red receded, while she heard Shigeru and Makoto whispering and snickering to each other.

After a moment Shinji answered her with one of his shy smiles.

Asuka just sat there stunned, a look of disbelief on her face.

One moment an almost imperceptible smile seemed to build on her lips, then she shook her head and looked at Misato with mistrust and defiance all written over her beautiful features.

Misato sighed inwardly.

Asuka was so deeply hurt; she probably just couldn't believe Misato's words.

That would take a lot of work, and Misato knew she was at least partly to blame.

Neither when she was her guardian a few years back, before Kaji assumed that role, nor when she again accepted this responsibility, was she able to give the young girl the love she needed.

She had been repelled by Asuka's abusive personality and her aggressive ways, not to mention she had been fooled by Asuka's tough shell.

Of course Misato's drinking and her own personal problems, hadn't exactly helped.

X

"Misato, where's Ayanami?"

Shinji disturbed her train of thought.

She looked at the screens before her again, for some reason Asuka looked pretty angry from one moment to the next.

No time for that though. Shinji deserved an answer.

"We really don't know Shinji, she was nowhere to be found when the attacks started, she should be somewhere inside HQ.

Please don't worry; I'll start a search for her as soon as possible,

I'm sure she's all right"

More honest would have been to say she hoped Rei was all right.

"Please try to get some rest; I'll inform you of any important changes."

Maya looked at her, with a question on her face, her hand over the button which would end direct link with the pilots. Misato shook her head, gesturing for Maya to just end audio contact, when this was done...

"Maya close the visual feed from us to the entry plugs, but leave the other way open."

She wanted to check on them from time to time, without bothering them and this seemed like the best way to do it.

"Him, interesting." she thought and had to smile to herself.

She could see how every other second Shinji's eyes went to the monitor in which he could see his redheaded fellow pilot reclining in her seat. He smiled almost sheepishly.

If Misato had to hazard a guess, his joy probably came from seeing the rekindled spirit in the slim girl's eyes.

The energy she once again radiated every single moment.

And strangely enough even though Asuka could clearly see how Shinji ogled her, she didn't reprimand him once.

Instead she looked back at him from time to time, gracing him with a small, almost shy little smile of her own.

Still most of the time she seemed lost in thoughts, her eyes wandering around her EVA's cockpit, with what Misato could only describe as an expression of bliss.

As if... as if something the redhead had searched for a long time was all around her in the cockpit.

X

Misato's speech seemed to work so far. The JSSDF forces were either retreating or had at least stopped fighting.

Meanwhile Commander Fuyutsuki was on the radio, trying to reach his contacts both in the Japanese government and in the UN, hoping to get the illegal attack withdrawn.

If that didn't work than his next targets would be the media.

The security cams had caught such terrifying acts by the JSSDF that public outrage should be high enough to matter.

Misato shook her head, to clear it from the images of the dead bodies littered everywhere in the base, she could even smell the stench of burning flesh intermingled with that of the fried computer consoles.

She had to concentrate, there still were more important things do to.

With that thought one of these things came to her mind:

"Where the hell is Ritsuko?"

X

* * *

X

**Some time before, in the bowels of N.E.R.V headquarters:**

X

The emotion best describing what went on in Rei Ayanami's mind was confusion.

Even the small sense of self she normally had, felt diminished now.

Something deep inside of her had awakened something definitely not human and the small part of her that remained free of it was screaming in terror and fear.

Despite this, her body had followed Commander Ikari without hesitation, down to Lilith's prison.

Now standing on the platform, beneath Lilith's giant form, surrounded by LCL, she felt strangely detached from what was happening.

She didn't even pay attention to the commander.

She was sure; she knew what to do already. So instead she concentrated on trying to clear the confusion inside her.

There in front of her, sitting on the steps forming the edge of the platform, with her back to them sat the one human being that Rei Ayanami really disliked.

Most just didn't matter to her, some like Commander Ikari and Shinji Ikari formed her only connection to humanity.

A few others were at least a bit noticeable, for example the second child had managed to be... "annoying" seemed to be the right word for it.

But this women Dr. Ritsuko Akagi? Rei felt "anger?" directed at the bottle-blond scientist.

Thinking about her almost always brought back the memories of gruelling tests.

Hour after hour being prodded and scanned and humiliated and Rei was sure that Dr. Akagi had wilfully prolonged the most invading and hurting procedures.

From time to time, when Rei couldn't help letting out a muted cry of pain, she'd seen a cruel smile on the woman's face.

X

The commander and Dr. Akagi were exchanging words in what appeared like a heated discussion, but Rei really had no interests in that.

Curiously, some part of her held on to the negative emotions the woman stirred in her.

Strange, but it seemed to help to force the darkness inside herself to retreat a little bit.

What was that? Ah! The conversation had arguably come to an end.

Without listening, without words exchanged, Rei knew what the commander wanted from her.

Rei's AT field was supposed to protect him from the weapon, Dr. Akagi had protruded.

At this moment thoughts began to race through the pale young girl's mind.

She was surprised that she actually harboured even more dislike against the commander than against Dr. Akagi.

While he was one of the few people, who had shown her kindness, she knew in reality his kindness wasn't directed at her, but at his dead wife, the woman on whose DNA Rei's was based on…

Some of the things he had done to her were as painful to her as Dr. Akagi's test. And she couldn't help but feel they were wrong.

The commander had been the closest thing to a parent Rei had known and she didn't think parents were supposed to do things like that to children.

It had taken hours in the shower of her small, rundown flat, until she had felt clean again.

From that her thoughts wandered to Ikari-kun.

He always was nice to her, or had been before her mind awoke in this body, since then he seemed afraid of her.

A reaction that to Rei's surprise she didn't like.

Still he had been kind to her, without really expecting anything for it in return.

Except perhaps somebody who wouldn't hurt him.

And she hadn't hurt him, at least not intentionally.

Her new body seemed to hurt him, but hadn't she given up her previous one to protect him?

She had the feeling that what she was about to do, would hurt Ikari-kun much more and she really didn't want that.

She caught herself thinking about the smile he had sometimes directed at her.

Strangely enough the next thing to cross her mind was the second child's pretty face, full of disdain and rejection.

Her voice echoed in Rei's head:

"Doll! Commander's favourite! Doll! Teacher's pet! Doll! Puppet! Doll! Doll! DOLL!"

And once when no one else was around: "Gendo's kleines Fickspielzeug!"

She didn't need to speak german to discern, that this had been a really mean comment, as even Asuka Langley had been shocked by her own words.

Without realizing it Rei's cheeks turned an angry red, astonishing considering her usual pale complexion.

Her eyes narrowed to slits and her brow furrowed.

For the first time since she awoke in this body, Rei felt really human and she liked the feeling.

_"I'm no doll, I'm not the commanders little toy. I'm my own person and I don't want to do this."_

A shot rang and was reflected off of a shimmering energy field. Both the commander and Dr. Akagi gaped in surprise.

Both watched Rei with a questioning expression.

And then almost like a sleepwalker the bottle-blond woman aimed her gun at the Commander, firing shot after shot in quick succession.

The first one hitting the man's right shoulder,

The second and third one missed

The fourth one hit Gendo Ikari's hand.

And from one moment to the next part of the pressure clouding Rei's mind seemed to lift.

The fifth shot finally hit the commander's throat.

His bespectacled face turned to Rei again, a look of absolute disbelief on it, while his gloved right hand tried to stop the blood gushing out of his throat, tainting the front of his dark suit and his red shirt.

He tried to say something, but only a trickle of blood left his mouth.

He fell to the ground.

X

At this moment the calling in Rei's mind swelled up to a chorus. An angry maelstrom seemed to appear inside her, trying to pull what was left of her into the darkness. The attraction was so strong that Rei's small body trembled in its grip.

X

_"You are a false object which is pretending to be a human. Look, you have a dark, invisible, and unintelligible mind within you, where the true you exist. _

**"I'm not an object, I'm not the commanders little toy. I'm my own person and I don't want to do this."**

_"Ayanami Rei is the thing that wishes to die. "_

**"I'm no thing! I'm human. My interactions with others have made me my own person."**

_"But, there's someone else who is the true you. You don't know her."_

**"I want to be my own self; I don't want that other me"**

_"Because you don't want to see that, you are trying to run away."_

**"I'm not running, I'm choosing. I'm choosing to be human, to stay human."**

_"Because she might not have a human shape."_

**"Yes."**

_Because the present you might disappear. _

**"Yes!"**

_"You've existed because he's needed you."_

**But now I exist because I want to. Because I need myself!**

_"Ayanami Rei is the thing that wishes to die. "_

**I'm not a thing! I'm human. No Doll! I'm human! Human!**

_"Ayanami Rei is the thing that wishes to die. "_

**I don't want to die; I want to go on living, as I am now!**

X

The pain became unbearable, pain mixed with a promise of deliverance.

If only she'd give in to her destiny.

X

But she denied it.

X

The next moment all power seemed to abandon her, leaving her feeling hollow and empty.

Her legs couldn't support her anymore and she sank to her knees, her head dropped, her arms unconsciously hugging herself.

Rei was surprised how good it felt to just be herself again, while a part of her raged because of what she'd just lost.

From somewhere she felt the 2nd and 3rd child, both full of adrenaline and energy.

For once both of them just seemed happy, not hurt or angry as usual.

Rei heard steps coming closer and halting in front of her.

She forced herself to look up, although she couldn't believe how difficult it seemed to be.

Her gaze met a cold stare coming out of beautiful brown eyes.

The next instant Rei noticed the revolver in the older woman's hand, aimed directly at her head.

Rei stared into Dr. Akagi's eyes.

Ritsuko Akagi felt surprised, to say the least. Rei had actually helped her to kill Gendo.

She still couldn't really believe it.

And now as she looked down at the young girls pale face, she was even more surprised.

As usual Rei's face conveyed little emotion, but her red eyes seemed different.

While you always saw a hint of sadness in them, it was more than that now.

Rei's eyes were wide open, with uncried tears shimmering in them.

They seemed to beg, to plead for her life, a big why? crying out of them.

Ritsuko shook her head.

"I'm sorry Rei, I really am. I'm grateful for you letting me get him, but...

I can't stop hating you. I realize it's not your fault, but he hurt me so many years and I always thought you were to blame.

I realize now that he used you just like me, maybe worse.

Rei, I wish I was a better person, but I'm not. I can't stop myself."

With that she cocked the trigger. Rei lowered her head in acceptance; Ritsuko could see her hands folding into each other unintentionally, like for a Christian prayer. Like she wanted to protect her naked form.

For one moment she really wanted to stop, she was about to kill a child, an innocent girl.

Then she steeled herself, there was just too much bitterness inside her.

A strange thought shot through Rei's mind, how humiliating to endure this naked like she was. It had never bothered her before, but now her nudity made her feel even more defenceless.

Somehow it made everything even worse, but she had no power left to help herself against the weapon in the older Woman's hand.

X

A single shot rang.

X

A choking noise and then the sound of a body hitting the ground.

X

Rei looked up, puzzled. She didn't feel anything, no pain, nothing.

She looked at Ritsuko Akagi's body sprawled before her on the ground, a few drops of blood around a small hole in her unblemished forehead.

The frail, blue-haired girl searched her surroundings with her eyes; they fell on Commander Ikari holding a still smoking gun in his unhurt hand, staring at her with a wishful expression.

A gargling sound escaped his throat, as he tried to draw breath.

He whispered:

"Yui."

And then a moment later, his voice full of regret:

"Ahh. Shinji."

His head sank to the floor.

Ritsuko, couldn't say anything, the bullet had killed her the moment it hit.

What would her last word have been?

Mother?

Gendo?

X

Rei felt light-headed, the world seemed to tumble around her.

When everything turned to black, she was almost thankful for it.

X

* * *

X

Four hours passed, the attackers had actually begun to withdraw, directly after Misato's announcement.

But the time was needed to ensure that there would be no new attack.

Both the Japanese and the UN were enraged at the moment that they had been tricked into this attack, (or at least they claimed to be, because an attack like this couldn't have happened without at least the consent of high-ranking elements of the Japanese government).

Footage of civilian personnel being killed with flamethrowers, helpless men and woman being gunned down, after they had clearly surrendered, were over all news channels.

There was an audio recording of the killing order on the pilots and N.E.R.V had provided footage were all three of them looked like little kids, even Asuka.

In fact Misato had supplied the picture showing Asuka and Shinji, sleeping on the backseat of Misato's car, tugged into a blanket, shoulder resting against shoulder, Asuka's head pressed into Shinji's face, both kids actually drooling a little bit at the corners of their mouths.

When Misato showed the picture to the pilots, it earned her an angry shriek by Asuka followed by a just as angry scowl. Shinji blushed a deep red.

Okay, so it was funny to get these reactions out of them, but this time Misato had actually done so to ease the tension a little bit.

And if she got a laugh out of it as well, who'd blame her?

The two „lovebirds" were just too easy to get.

X

There was enough to do, to keep Misato's mind occupied until some time later, a very worried sounding guard reported that security had found the dead bodies of Commander Ikari and Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.

At the most guarded place in the whole HQ, no less.

Next to them lay a naked, seemingly comatose Rei Ayanami.

Misato tried to answer the man on the other end of the radio, thoughts stumbling one over the other inside her brain.

"I'm going down there myself. Wait for me. I… I have to see this"

"Acknowledged."

Misato felt dumbstruck, Ritsuko dead?

No matter how much they had fought or disagreed, the thought of losing her friend hurt very much.

First Kaji, now Ritsuko. Was she cursed to loose everything?

Was she to blame, because her need for revenge against the angels came before everything else?

She steeled herself, no need to worry the bridge crew even more.

"Get the EVA's back home, I'll take a look into this mess and then I'll greet the kids."

As she left the "bridge," she could hear Maya's broken-hearted wailing behind her.

For a moment she wanted to comfort the young woman, who'd more than just adored Ritsuko, her "sempai," but she hadn't even the faintest idea how to do this, when she felt like bursting into tears as well.

X

Twenty-five minutes later Misato entered the hangars, lost in thought.

She still felt a little shell-shocked.

So much had happened today and now on top of it Ritsuko was dead, evidence suggesting that she'd tried to kill Rei and did kill Gendo Ikari.

Misato knew the reasons for Ritsuko's animosity against the quiet and inexpressive EVA pilot, but she'd never believed that her friend would go so far as to try to kill Rei as well, after she already had disposed of all clone bodies.

And Rei was in a coma? After Asuka, now the second pilot in a coma?

_"This better not become a trend."_

Everything else she'd seen down there, she wanted to forget as soon as possible

When she finally concentrated on her surroundings again, she noticed that the pilots hadn't even left the entry plugs.

"What's wrong? Why are they still in their entry plugs?" She asked one of the technicians.

"They had to wait, because we had to get rid of at least part of the bakelite and UNIT 01 did a real number on the equipment when it broke free."

He directed Misato's eyes to the various damages. How could she have missed the destruction here?

Or perhaps, she was already so much used to it, that she didn't notice it anymore, considering the gruesome sights she had seen, while walking through the HQ.

So many dead, so much equipment lost or damaged.

The smell of blood, and the bodies burned by the flamethrowers, like a human barbecue. Sickening!

She shook her head.

_"Better get a grip on yourself Misato and get your priorities straight. Concentrate on the living."_

Shinji was the first to exit the plug. His body in the blue plugsuit seemed so tiny compared to the giant Mecha he'd just left.

His first look was directed at UNIT 02's entry plug, which just now ejected from the red EVA.

Before the plug opened, Shinji was already on his way.

He arrived while the familiar, red plugsuit wearing form of Asuka Langley Sohryu reached the ground.

"Asuka!"

He wrapped his arms around the redhead's lithe body, hugging her close to him.

"Asuka, I'm so happy. Asuka!"

For a moment Asuka's body tensed, then much to Misato's surprise. She rested her head on Shinji's shoulder and returned the hug.

Soon the two young pilots were joined by Misato who caught them both in a bear hug. This time the young redhead really tensed up and tried to extract herself from Misato's arms.

Her blue eyes were full of contempt and anger.

Misato wouldn't allow it, she had promised herself something and she wasn't going to give up at the first challenge.

She told the kids how proud she was, how brave they were, how sorry she was for everything.

And most important that from now on they, not N.E.R.V. would be her first priority.

Shinji let out a loud sigh and wrapped his right arm around Misato, his other arm never let go of Asuka,

Tears were running down his cheeks, but for once they seemed to be out of joy and relief.

After a while even the rigid form of the second children relaxed and she accepted Misato's caress. Still, the mistrust never left her eyes.

Misato noticed something wet on her cheeks, she realized that she was crying as well.

So much for keeping her composure.

When she finally let go, they all seemed a bit embarrassed, especially Shinji blushed a deep red when he saw two female technicians openly crying, while looking at them

He looked down for a moment and when he looked up again there was a question in his eyes.

"Misato, where's Ayanami?" Repeating the exact question, he'd asked hours ago.

Misato sighed: „I'm sorry Shinji-kun, she's in the hospital. We don't know what exactly happened, but she seems to be in a coma."

The boy could only stammer: "Why? Is she hurt?

Fear and compassion filled his voice.

He didn't notice the pain that appeared in Asuka's bright eyes, followed by anger as she withdrew herself from his embrace. Her face turning into a nonexpressive mask.

X

_"You are doing it again; you're choosing the little doll instead of me again._

_If I can't have you all to myself, then I don't want ANYTHING from you._

_Why, Baka Shinji, why did you come to my rescue again, if you don't want me?"_

She still felt the happiness of not only finding her mother's soul, but actually feeling her love all around her. Nevertheless the world turned a little greyer for her again.

_"But when he asked me if I was okay, there was so much concern in his voice and it felt so good to be in his arms, for someone to hold me."_

Conflicting emotions raged through her soul.

X

"There is no visible or physical wound on her, but she doesn't respond to our attempts to wake her."

"Can I... can I see her?" He seemed anxious: "I have to … I need to talk to her."

"Shinji-kun, she's not awake, shouldn't we go home, grab a bite, sleep and check on her tomorrow?"

The boy seemed hesitant for a moment, then he shrugged his shoulders.

"I guess..."

"I want to get out of the plugsuit and take a shower first." Asuka said, running her fingers through her hair."

"I'm sorry Asuka but there is no running water here at the moment, besides, the showers and the dressing room are still full of Bakelite. They are not exactly a top priority."

Asuka sighed: „Well, then let's go...home. Maybe I can at least take a bath there."

For one moment, she saw an old bathtub in an abandoned building, the water in the tub seemed somehow... discoloured.

She shook her head to clear it from these images.

"That's not me anymore; I can be a pilot again. I have my momma again. I have my honour again."

She drew herself up proudly, looking at her surroundings; her sparkling blue eyes appeared to be full of pride again.

Light-footed she walked to the exits, with wide strides...

That is to say she tried, but after the first few steps her legs failed her and she tumbled to the ground, just managing to catch herself with her arms.

Both Shinji and Misato were at her side a moment later.

"Asuka, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Shinji put his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed, ignoring the rejected look in his eyes: "I don't need help, Baka!"

_"I will not be humiliated again. Not again!"_

She tried to pull herself together and stand up, but her legs seemed to be made of jelly. What was worse, she felt her arms tire more and more.

_"No! No! No! NO! You can do it Asuka! Please, I need to do it."_

Inch by inch, depending on sheer willpower she forced her treacherous body up from the ground, until she stood upright on her feet again.

Sweat running down her face, mixing with the residues of the LCL, collecting between her skin and her plugsuit.

The world was spinning around wildly before her eyes.

There was no way; she could reach the exit on her own.

_"No, I won't beg. I won't. I don't need help. I don't need anybody."_

But another voice inside her, a voice sounding a bit like her mother's:

_"You don't have to do it all alone. He is your friend. He will help you, like you would help him."_

Sadly Asuka wasn't as sure as that second voice of hers, that she'd help Shinji, were the roles reversed. It was entirely as possible, that she'd make some snide remark and would be on her way.

_"But I can't. I can't beg. I simply can't."_

Two arms in a blue and white plugsuit grasped her right arm, supporting her, without saying a word.

He just looked at her, his care for her showing in his eyes, a cautious smile on his lips. Unsure wether she would yell at him again.

She let her head sink forward, her hair covering her face, while she felt tears running down her cheeks, without knowing way.

Then much to her surprise Misato took her other arm. Unsure what to think of it, she glanced at the older woman beside her.

"It's okay honey, your muscles are weakened, it's a wonder you managed until now."

Asuka continued to stare at her, her face half hidden behind strands of her red hair with a questioning expression on her face.

_"Shit! She doesn't trust me at all anymore. She probably fears that I'll ridicule her even now."_

Misato felt a sharp sting of guilt. Between her own problems and her anger over the way Asuka abused Shinji, she hadn't done anything to help her.

She remembered sitting on her bed, hearing Asuka's crying and her desperate screams and she just listened and made no move to help.

"Asuka, no one will think less of you, because of that. We all owe our lives to you and Shinji. ne?"

The german girl sighed in resignation and nodded.

She could live with that. It didn't matter that much.

And even though Misato was an uncaring, backstabbing, Shinji loving, slob, her words had actually felt good

xx

* * *

xx

It had taken them quite some time to reach the apartment complex.

Misato had carefully chosen a route, where the 2nd and 3rd child saw as little carnage as possible so it took a little more time…

After requisitioning an undamaged jeep the JSSDF had left, Misato drove through the devastated city at her regular neck breaking speed.

There was smoke in the air from various fires, biting in their throats because of the open car.

At least Misato's driving always helped to put things in perspective, because both kids were certain, that it was every bit as dangerous as fighting angels.

Since the elevators weren't working, they had to climb the stairs, a procedure that put a great strain on Asuka's weakened muscles.

The redhead's fiery temper flared once more, because she had to depend on Misato's and Shinji's help yet again. She was steaming the whole way up, cursing under her breath in german.

Miraculously Misato's apartment had survived the attack almost unscathed,

Only the windows were blown in and a few lighter pieces of furniture turned over.

As Misato opened the door for Asuka and Shinji, they were greeted by a loudly complaining Pen-Pen, demanding beer and fish.

X

Asuka gaze wandered around her room, at what her angry breakdown weeks earlier had left.

Conflicted memories were awakened, both from happier times, back when piloting her EVA had been only joy, when their strange little family was still working and later, after Arael's attack when this room had seemed like the most lonely and desolate place in the world.

She let out a sigh; somehow it almost hurt the most that Shinji hadn't cleaned up the mess. Did he even care?

She looked at the boy beside her who still supported her weak legs.

"Anta Baka? Why didn't you clean my room? You did have more than enough time."

He winced: "So… Sorry. I wasn't exactly in best form myself."

Typical Shinji, he'd probably spent the time she was in the hospital, moping in his room, full of self-pity.

Shinji could see the anger in Asuka's face. He didn't really understand why she'd be angry with him for that.

At least she didn't try to hit him so far, instead he saw something behind her angry face.

Was she actually hurt? What about him?

He wanted her to understand how he had felt.

"When you… were gone, I had no one left, I had nothing. I was alone and afraid, afraid of the EVA, afraid of Misato, of Ayanami, of everything. No one would help me. No one. I felt so lonely without you!"

He started to cry once again and hated himself for it. He didn't want to anymore

Was Shinji crazy? She had left him? He had left her alone, not the other way around. He didn't come to her help, when the Angel had sullied her mind. He hadn't helped her afterwards, when she had run away...

When she had run away? Yes, she had chosen to distance herself from him even more.

It still didn't seem fair, she had suffered, she had been hurt. But maybe, just maybe he had too.

And today he'd been there. It had felt so right, so good, the way they had fought together.

Just like when they had fought Israfel.

And when he embraced her in the hangar that had felt right too.

It had felt very good.

And then she felt his embrace again, as he wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her back to him.

He whispered into her ear.

"Please Asuka, don't leave me again. Please, stay here for me. I couldn't stand it when you were gone."

She was surprised that he was bold enough to act this way, and perhaps her reaction surprised her even more.

Her arms held unto his, as she cuddled herself to him.

Her back pressing against his chest.

Why did she feel so secure in his wimpy arms?

She turned her head to him and in his eyes she could see both his loneliness and that it was lessened because of their embrace.

"What if I try to stay? I… I don't think I can do it alone. Can you promise me to be there for me? That you'll always support me?"

"Yes, yes! As best as I can. As long as we stay here together, I won't be so afraid. I promise, I'll be there for you from now on. We can depend on each other."

His dark eyes gazed deeply into hers, captivating her bright, blue orbs.

Slowly their faces came closer, Asuka lifted herself up to him, all the time looking deep into his soulful eyes.

She could feel her heart beat faster in her chest, when she felt his warm breath on her face. („_Your_ _breath_ is tickling me. Don't _breathe_"´)

Her lips rose to his, she blushed and at the last moment choose to give him a small peck on the cheek; before she let her head sink again.

They stood there in her messy room, holding onto each other.

Relishing the comfort they could give the other.

Two broken children, but maybe there was a chance for them to heal together.

If only she could manage to trust him. Parts of her wanted nothing more than to finally trust somebody again and ever since she had felt her mother's presence in her EVA… she felt more open for it.

After a while, Asuka broke the embrace.

"Enough now, you Baka hentai! You're probably just feeling me up anyway, you pervert."

But she said it with laughter in her voice.

"Help me to the bathroom Baka. I need a bath."

"Of course, mylady Asuka."

"So for once I get the respect I deserve. That's good for you."

"Nani? How is it good for me?"

"Anta Baka? Because the great Asuka Langley Sohryu is pleased with you and rewards you with her presence. Isn't that good enough for you, Shinji?"

„Well, I guess so…"

„What do you mean - _I guess so _?"

Slap!

She hit him, but it was playful and clearly in jest and Shinji found he didn't really mind.

„G… gomen, Asuka."

X

X

Asuka lolled around in the bathtub, the hot water, relaxing her tired muscles.

It was pure heaven, finally her body felt clean again, even her mind seemed less sullied, less unclean.

Her mother's presence had helped a little bit, thinking of Shinji's promise helped as well.

Still, a big part of her just couldn't believe him.

„_I can't let all my defences go, he will only hurt me…."_

„_But he came through for you and he finally held you.."_

„_No, he's to weak, he can't help me…."_

„_Maybe he can."_

Whenever her mind wandered, she would remember. Remember the glistening light from above, the feeling of it's mind forcing itself int….

She decided she had to keep her thoughts in check. No problem for her, wasn't it?

She even managed to get out of the tub and into her clothes all by herself.

Nothing fancy, just a short cut-off jeans and a pink T-shirt, but after she had combed her hair, the Asuka in the mirror didn't look all that bad.

Hesitantly she allowed herself an implied smile at her reflection.

One thing was missing, she reached for her neural connectors and put her hair up with them, into her regular style.

This time she really could smile into the mirror.

Better. Much better.

Carefully she took step after step to the bathroom door, opened it and feeling a little safer on her legs; she slowly walked into the kitchen, following the smell of food.

Misato was sprawled on a chair at the table, two empty beer cans on the table and a third one in her hand.

As usual her attire consisted of a short and a small top and nothing more.

She smiled broadly at the redhead as a welcome and belched.

Shinji stood before the stove, keeping himself busy with various pans and pots.

"Hey Shinji, what's cooking?"

He turned to her and smiled.

"Oh I just took what vegetables were left and some other leftovers. It's just a stew, nothing fancy, but there's almost nothing left except some cans and I doubt that any takeout is active today. At least not without a high extra charge,"

It wasn't much of a joke, but they still managed to laugh about it.

X

X

* * *

X

X

_**A.N.:**_

_**As you've probably recognized, my depiction of EOE - Air is deliberately different.**_

_**Apart for the obvious (story defining) changes, the most important probably is that UNIT 01 never fully activated. And yes, there will be some sort of explanation, how UNIT 01 appeared on the battlefield, just don't expect a big revelation.**_

_**Well that's it for now, I had some problem ending the chapter, 'cause scene after scene wanted to be included, so I finally just picked some relatively random point.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's rantings:**_

_**Finally, I present you chapter two.**_

_**Chapter Three should follow soon and even before that, I will update „Tear Down" with the second chapter.**_

_**The reasons for the long delay were manifold. I had health problems, personal problems. The list goes on and on and on.**_

_**I wrote other fanfics and still do, I wrote in my personal settings.**_

_**I was lazy and I played way too many Bioware RPGs'.**_

_**I can't really promise, I'll do better in the future.**_

_**The games inspire other stories, I'm working on three Neverwinter Nights' 2 stories, two KOTOR or KOTOR 2 stories, and both a Dragon Age and a Mass Effect story.**_

_**And it's just plain fun playing these games.**_

_**Moreover, I need to work on my own stuff as well, it is so much better than anything else I write and much more satisfying.**_

**X**

**While I can't promise faster updates, I'll do my best to make it possible.**

Spoken words are set in ""

_Thoughts are italic_

**Disclaimer: I don't own NGE or its characters, never will, obviously it doesn't stop me from writing these things.**

XX

* * *

X

**One Mistake:**

X

**Chapter Two - Adjusting**

X

X

Dinner had been good and Asuka wolfed it down as if she hadn't eaten in weeks.

In fact, she hadn't eaten the last few weeks at all, she had been fed intravenous. Her arm still bore the signs of the lines and tubes that had been connected to her.

She shuddered, praying that this would never happen to her again.

Looking up, she saw Shinji watching her with a caring, questioning expression on his face.

She was tempted to reprimand him, with one of her regular taunts, but she just didn't feel like it.

It felt nice that he actually seemed to care…

Therefore, she just pointed to one of the needle marks on the crook of her right arm, as explanation.

To her surprise, he broke eye contact and lowered his head. Was that guilt on his face?

Did he feel responsible for her coma?

„_Maybe I'll talk to him about it later…Ah no, he always feels guilty of everything that happens. It's probably better not to encourage him. "_

So, she just decided to ask for a second helping of the stew and concentrated on eating.

Misato was strangely silent as well, none of her usual joking or teasing, instead she downed beer after beer, like it was a contest and she had barely eaten a bite.

Her eyes already seemed to have trouble focusing.

Asuka shook her head inwardly.

"Some things are obviously not going to chance."

Gazing at her guardian, she wondered wether the care Misato had shown to her was for real or just to cover her guilt.

"_Probably the latter, its not like she ever cared for me anyway:"_

"_It would have been nice, though to have someone like Kaji again_."

The Kaji that actually cared for her, not the childish fantasy version, she had yearned for.

A yearning that already felt strange to her, as if after his death and her… ordeals, she needed to put life into a new perspective.

When dinner was finished, Misato walked straight into her room without saying so much as "good night."

Shinji as usual started to wash the dishes.

He felt really glad to do something so ordinary again, when yesterday his life was like his worst nightmare.

His heart felt like it was bursting in his chest. She was back. Asuka was finally back.

She might be a little quieter, even a little sad, but when he looked into her eyes, he could see her again, not the empty vacant stare he had dreaded so much.

And she had actually allowed him to hold her.

Heck, they had practically promised to be there for each other from now on.

When he closed his eyes, he could still feel her warm body against his and the feeling of holding her in his arms.

Even through the stench of dried sweat and LCL, she had smelled so good.

Lost in these precious memories he finished cleaning in Auto-mode.

X

When he was done putting away the dishes, he decided to start cleaning the mess in his room.

As he walked past the living room where Asuka was watching some DVD's, he heard her quietly call to him.

"Shinji?"

"Yes Asuka?"

"Could you bring me a soda, please? My legs are still tired."

"Of course."

He grabbed two cans out of the fridge and after he decided to sit down on the couch beside her, he passed one to the girl.

The mess would still be there tomorrow.

"Thanks Shinji-kun."

"You're welcome. Can I get you anything else?"

"Well… I'd like to put my feet up. Could you get me some of the cushions?"

He jumped to his feet again, gathered some of the cushions that were scattered on the floor and helped her to prop her feet up.

"Thanks, that's much better. Ugh, I feel like my arms and legs have turned into lead."

"No wonder after the way you kicked ass today."

"She looked at him with surprise in her face.

"Th-thanks. You did not so shabby yourself."

He beamed at her, Asuka complimenting his piloting skill without anger and sarcasm in her voice, that was practically a first.

**X**

For a while, they tried to concentrate on the movie, and then Asuka turned to him once again.

She brushed a few strands of her lustrous hair out of her face.

Looking down nervously, she started to speak.

"I really don't want to, but I think I have to say thank…

I mean… Verdammt!"

"_This is so hard to do, but I have to. I need to do this."_

She drew a deep breath and began speaking fast, so she couldn't change her mind.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid today….."

She had to pause to gather her will again.

"I was sure I'd die, when the sword transformed into a Lance of Longinus. And I would have, if not for you. So thank you third child for… for…

Arghh! This is stupid! Thank you Baka for saving me once again and thanks for saving my mother."

"I… I…It was….I couldn't… I…"

He stopped himself before he totally lost the ability to speak coherently.

Her mother, how had he saved her mother? Could it be that Asuka's mother was in Unit 02 like his' was in Unit 01?

He still felt it necessary to answer the beautiful german girl next to him.

"After all the times I let you down, I couldn't do anything else…

And I almost didn't make it in time."

X

Asuka threw him a curious glance, before the soda can seemed to capture all of her attention.

X

Shinji desperately tried to find the courage to finally tell her, what he had only realized when he had already lost it. Cold sweat collected on his brows, his heart beat so fast, he was afraid it could burst. However, she was so…nice today, so sweet and fragile.

Would there ever be a better chance?

Yet she was awake only for a few hours and had fought in what was probably the hardest battle they ever had to fight.

"_No! It has to be now, before I become afraid again."_

"Asuka can I tell you something?"

"Okay."

"It's kinda important for me so…"

She switched off the TV and turned to him with the same curious look on her face as before.

"When you were… When you ran away and when you were found in… this terrible condition… It made me realize how important you are for me. It seemed everything was over for me without you. I need you. I… I care for you… I guess I- I…"

A hand covering his mouth interrupted him.

Asuka had an almost panicked expression on her lovely face.

"Don't. Please don't say it. Please. It's too much… I… I."

She stopped; her eyes were wide with fear. And were those tears in hear eyes?

Slowly, hesitantly she let her hand slid from his mouth to his cheek, caressing his face before gently cupping his chin in her hand for a few moments.

Her big blue eyes were full of conflicting emotions.

Fear. Hope. Anger. Care?

Then she jumped to her feet, as fast as she could manage.

"I need to go. I'm tired. Good night."

Before he could answer anything, she ran to her room, ignoring her tired legs.

Leaving Shinji to his thoughts.

"Might as well pick up the broken glass before I go to bed."

X

Asuka lay on her futon, hugging a big pillow to her.

"_Is it true? Does he really love me?"_

"_No, it can't be true. He is probably just trying to get in my panties. Baka hentai!"_

"_But still, he came today, this time he didn't let you down."_

"_No. No! It can't be true. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares."_

"_Mami does care. She has never really left us _

_The other one was just what was left behind."_

_Maybe if mom does love me, maybe someone else could too._

_Then I wouldn't have to be so alone anymore."_

"_No, he cares only for Misato and the doll. Probably has done all kinds of perverted stuff while I was gone. And he never could be strong enough. Never."_

"_But why does his voice always sound so concerned, like when he asked me if I he could do anything for me. Plus the way he looked at me after the battle and just now. That wasn't the way the other boys look at me. Nobody has ever looked at me that way before._

_If only it was true. If only…"_

However, she was too tired and too afraid to think too long about this, before sleep claimed her.

X

In Misato's dark room, you could hear a woman crying.

"_Oh Rits, why you as well? First, I loose Kaji and now my best friend._

_Why did you have to try to kill Rei? Why? Wasn't that bastard of a commander enough?"_

Sorrow is not fair, sorrow is selfish and so Major Misato Katsuragi felt angry with Ritsuko, both for dying and for sullying how she would remember her friend.

Sorrow floats. It always stays on top.

X

* * *

X

Interlude II:

Darkness again, illuminated only by a spotlight showing the black monoliths.

"It's over. We've lost the chance to start Third Impact."

"Why? Unit 01 still exists, so there still is a chance."

"Don't be ridiculous, after the way we exposed ourselves to start the attack on NERV and with the information Fuyutsuki provided, the manhunt on us has already begun."

"This can't be all. We rule the world, how could we…"

„We ruled as long as we stayed in the shadows. Out in the open and exposed, our rule is over. Already SEELE 04 and 10 are gone, choosing death over capture.

I suggest you all bring closure to your affairs."

With that Richard Keele, aka SEELE 01 left the discussion.

He pressed a few more buttons on his computer, issuing his last orders.

Then he grabbed a handgun from the desktop and set the muzzle at his temple. He wouldn't give the mob the satisfaction to judge him.

X

SEELE 07 left the conference as well.

For George Wilkens it wasn't all over. As head of the combined intelligence agencies of the United States, he always worked in secret. He was sure that no path would lead to him, if he cut the few existing connections.

He began to frantically type away on his keyboard and a few minutes later he'd ordered the best hitmen the US Covert Agencies had available to take everybody who connected him to SEELE's activities out of the picture.

With that done, he left his desktop and poured himself a large drink from his bar.

Savouring the taste of the thirty-year-old scotch, he pondered his further activities.

Officially he'd be retired in about 15 months, but behind the curtains, he'd still have control. Control enough to at least get revenge on the people responsible for the failing of SEELE's plans.

He took his drink with him to his desk and once again focused his attention on his computer screen.

A few short orders called up several NERV personnel files.

Unfortunately, Ikari and Akagi were already dead.

Fuyutsuki might be a target, he chose to withheld judgement on this for now.

Katsuragi wasn't much more than a pawn.

The Ayanami creature wasn't anything but a tool. He wasn't sure which role she played in the events, but for now he considered her a secondary target.

His attention focused on the last two files the second and third child.

The pilots of the two EVA's which had stopped the MP-EVA's assault.

Yes, Fuyutsuki might be a target, but these two…

The old man felt hatred rise in him.

These two stupid kids had foiled his chance to rule humanity and gain immortality.

For that they would pay. Simply killing them wasn't enough. He would bide his time and begin their punishment, when they thought their miserable lives were happy again.

Then he would strike and utterly destroy them, before ending their lives.

X

* * *

X

X

Commander Fuyutsuki did not waste any time, he made it clear, that he succeeded Gendo Ikari as Head of N.E.R.V.

His first order was to bury what lay deep beneath N.E.R.V. HQ forever.

Central dogma had to become unreachable for anything humanity could come up with, including N2 bombs and EVA's.

No matter how long it took, he'd make sure of that.

X

"Close the door and throw away the key." were his last words concerning the procedure.

X

The old gray haired man again spoke to his dead friend, the second time in 24 hours.

"It was a great dream Yui, but we perverted it. Somehow your son and your "daughter" found a way to stop both SEELE's and Gendo's madness and I owe it both to you and your kids to make sure, this snake will never raise it's ugly head again. I'm sure that couldn't have been the way you wanted it to be.

X

There were more orders to be issued.

Cleanup and rebuilding would take a lot of effort and time.

Koze Fuyutsuki was determined to use every support he could muster from an ashamed Japanese government and the UN.

Then he had to look through hundreds of personnel files, to decide which employees from other NERV branches could be trusted enough, to join the HQ staff.

A task that was unnecessarily made more difficult, by the fact that a still grieving Maya Ibuki hadn't managed so far to get the Magi to run efficiently

Again.

One task would be put on-hold as long as it was possible.

Informing the families of the killed NERV personnel, that their husbands and wives, their mothers and fathers, were gone.

X

* * *

X

This morning Shinji awoke early, he decided to finish what he started the evening before and cleaned the rest of the mess in the apartment.

Then he rummaged through every cupboard and drawer to find something with which he could feed his… „Family."

„Family", he let the word ring through his mind, it had a nice sound to it.

To everyone outside it must've looked very strange, but Misato & Asuka, Rei and his mothers spirit in his EVA were the closest thing Shinji ever had to a family. Moreover, he had his friends, at least when they returned with their families.

He smiled to himself, it could've been worse, before he came to Tokyo 3 all he had was an old sensei and a man that was his father on paper only.

X

After he was through searching for food, he readied Pen-Pen's fishy breakfast.

The humans were left with egg powder, what was left in several cereal boxes and milk and OJ.

Shinji decided to wait for his flatmates to wake up, before he'd try to turn the egg powder into eatable stirred eggs.

That was why he sat on the table, drinking tea and musing over yesterday and all that had changed in and around him.

No matter what he was thinking of, he found his thoughts always returning to the fact that Asuka was awake again.

The memories of Asuka in his embrace. It felt so right. Just like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Her warm body pressed against his, the way that she still smelt intoxicating even after hours swimming in LCL and weeks spend in the hospital.

The look in her eyes, as she turned her head to him, the feeling of her breath on his lips, before she opted for his cheek instead.

„Shit! All I want to think about is her. Face it Shinji, you are in love with the red devil head over heels."

X

At this moment, the object of his musings stumbled sleepily out of her room.

Her hair a tangled red cloud, clad only in one of her usual sleeping shirts and loose shorts. Sexy!

„Ohayô Asuka-chan. Did you sleep well?"

She rubbed her eyes with her hand and looked at him questioningly.

„Wha… Huh? Oh, yeah, ohayo Shinji. Actually quite well, sleeping that is. I mean I slept surprisingly well."

„You want some breakfast? It's not much, but we've got some cereal and I can make some scrambled eggs and toast."

„Sure, jus' le'me get to the bathroom first, 'ne?"

She stumbled on and disappeared behind the door.

X

Shinji decided to start on the breakfast now, but first he wanted to wake up Misato.

It would be nice, if they all could have breakfast together.

The major didn't react to his knocking, neither to his banging or calling, so he opened the door and entered the mess that Misato called a room.

His guardian was lying in a pile on her futon, snoring. All around her beer cans and sake bottles were testimony to her activity in the night.

Shinji knelt next to her bed and softly shook Misato's shoulder and called her name.

Suddenly he was yanked from his feet and drawn into a bear hug.

„Don't go Kaji. Don't leave me! Don't take Ritsuko with you. Please, you are all the friends I have."

Misato whimpered in his ear. Pulling him against her impressive secondary sexual organs, while pressing her face into his shoulder.

„Ah Misato! I'm sorry. I'm not Kaji. Please let go."

She opened her eyes and looked at him obviously not understanding.

Then she blushed and quickly let go of him.

„Sorry Shinji-kun. Had a real bad dream."

She sat herself up on the bed and gazed at the wall.

„Okay, I am just about to start making breakfast and I thought it might be nice if we all eat together."

She sighed loudly.

„Sure Shinji-kun. I… I'll just need a moment…"

Shinji simply nodded and was abut to get up again, when he noticed the tears in his guardians eyes.

Unsure what to do he looked at her and then at the door.

Then he decided not to start being a selfish loner again and quickly hugged the older woman. For a moment, she was rigid in his arms, and then she rested her head on the boys shoulder and started to cry.

Shinji padded her back, repeating „it's okay, it's okay." and „there… there." again and again.

After some time Misato calmed down a bit and stopped crying, pulling out of the embrace.

She eyed him through swollen eyes and smiled sheepishly.

„I know it's stupid. So much happened yesterday and I should be happy that the world didn't come to an end for us.

That you and Asuka survived…

Yet all I can think about is that I've lost Ritsuko now as well. And what a shitty friend I've been in the last few weeks."

Shinji thought about that for a moment.

„I think it's okay. She was your friend. Isn't it natural for you to feel sad?"

„I guess so. Yet I think it would be a bit easier, if she didn't die while trying to kill a young girl."

Shinji shifted uncomfortably, what was he supposed to say now?

The truth was, he was angry because of what Dr. Akagi had done and tried doing.

Yet she had been Misato's best friend.

Perhaps Misato recognized Shinji's conflicted thoughts.

„Well, thanks for letting me wet your shirt. Please don't think I wanted to make a pass at you again. Yet it really helped." She smirked.

„Hai, I'm gonna try to turn egg powder into something edible now. And Misato, you're not alone. We are a family now."

With that, he up and left to return to the kitchen, missing the surprised, yet thankful smile on his guardian's lips.

X

The rest of the morning was eventless.

They ate and then just lazily passed the time. Regarding what they achieved yesterday, the mood was relatively solemn.

Misato's mood had been down from the start, Asuka seemed totally insecure and shifted from quiet soberness to loud enthusiasm.

After all the soul searching he'd done the last weeks, Shinji rather wanted something to occupy his mind.

Finally, he suggested to Asuka to play videogames and that brought up memories of happier times.

Around midday Misato's mobile rang and she ran to her room to take the call.

When she appeared again, she'd changed into regular „working clothes" aka tight, short skirt and shirt.

„C'mon kids, get ready! We are expected at work. Asuka, they want to do a check-up to see how you're doing, physically. Shinji, you and I have to see Cmdr. Fuyutsuki for debriefing."

Seeing how both her charges didn't immediately jump into action, she continued.

„Hurry, hurry! I don't have all day and you are too young to be so lame anyway, ne?"

X

* * *

X

The trip to the HQ in the requisitioned jeep was relatively fast.

A not too small part of the obstacle had already been removed.

The sheer amount of manpower and vehicles working on Tokyo-3's infrastructure was amazing.

It was only surpassed by what was happening at NERV HQ.

Many hundreds of JSSDF soldiers and government workers were busy, finishing clean-up, excavating bakelite and repairing damages.

Small groups of surviving NERV staff were eyeing the government forces with a mixture of satisfaction and suspicion.

Shinji was in a very good mood again. On the way, Asuka had rested her head on his shoulder and he enjoyed each moment, even though his heart beat so hard he feared it might jump out of his throat.

He wasn't sure what to think off this more mellow and friendly Asuka, or rather he was wondering if it really was a change in attitude towards him or just mental exhaustion after all she'd been through.

X

They decided to accompany Asuka to the reopened hospital first, and then chose to stay, as both Shinji and Misato noted the anxiety in the young german girl, when the medical examination started.

Thankfully it went rather fast so the three soon were on the way to the debriefing, Asuka with a bag of medication and vitamins to build up her reserves again and to help on the way to full recovery.

X

Shinji was surprised, when instead of Fuyutsuki's office they walked to his fathers seldom used official rooms.

As they walked into the antechamber, he was even more surprised, because the legend beside the door read Cmdr. Fuyutsuki instead of Ikari.

As Misato talked with the assistant, sitting behind a great wooden desk, Asuka let herself, fall into an armchair with a sigh and started massaging her aching legs.

„Mann! These two are killing me, you've no idea how sore my muscles are."

Shinji just grunted sympathetically and continued to inspect the room.

Comfortable armchairs, a side table with refreshments, there were a few pictures of Japanese landscapes on the walls and even the lighting seemed brighter and warmer.

He was puzzled, was his father hurt? „Dethroned?"

Misato's voice stopped his musings.

„The Cmdr. wants to talk with each of you separately. We'll start with Shinji and then it's your turn Asuka."

X

Asuka snorted angrily:

„Figures. Our hero Shinji get's to go first. Of course he's more important than the failure Asuka Langley."

She smiled to take the sting of her comment, but Shinji heard the edge in her voice.

As Misato led him on, he smiled apologetically at the redhead, but she was staring into the void…

X

The Commander's office had changed as well, it was much brighter and somehow the menacing aura that had always been here had dissipated.

Behind Gendo Ikari's giant desk, sat the friendly Vice-Commander of NERV, Kozo Fuyutsuki with a welcoming smile in his face.

X

Shinji looked at the old man, then to Misato, then to Fuyutsuki again and back at Misato.

„Gomen nasai, but where's my father? Did something happen to him?"

Misato's eyes met his and flickered a bit guilty.

"I'm sorry Shinji; I didn't want to tell you yesterday, because well, yesterday was already enough for you, without this news"

"Misato, what is it? It's not Rei is it? Is she... did she die?"

"No, no Shinji, like I said we can't get her to wake up at the moment, but the medics are saying, there's nothing wrong with her, they expect her to wake up the next 2-3 days."

"She paused to find the guts to continue.

"The thing is... I already told you that Dr. Akagi died yesterday.

In fact Ritsuko and your father shot each other, I'm sorry Shinji, your father... he is dead"

Conflicting emotions flickered over the boys face. He looked down to the floor.

When he looked up to Misato again his face was grim, he said just one word.

"Good."

Misato was shocked, as Shinji saw her expression, he added.

"You've been more of a parent than he ever was. He was a manipulative bastard.

It was his fault I couldn't help Asuka when the 15th angel attacked. He is responsible for everything Rei had to endure.

He has brought nothing but pain to anybody he ever met.

Don't think I'm not sad he's gone, but I feel it is really better for everyone else."

No one in the room could really disagree.

X

After a moment of Silence Comdr. Fuyutsuki addressed Shinji again.

„For the time being I've assumed control over NERV HQ and it's branches.

The governments were all too eager to accept me, after I leaked the atrocities happening here to the press.

I think you can imagine that I have a really full timetable, nevertheless I'd like to know how you and Unit 01 appeared out of nothing yesterday.

Before we start, do you want anything to drink? Tea? Coffee? Juice, water?"

Shinji shook his head. He was getting anxious here.

„Okay then, Shinji. What exactly happened yesterday?"

Shinji drew in a deep breath, trying to get his stomach under control, before he started to tell his story.

"I was just sitting there, feeling miserable. I felt like everyone had deserted me. Rei, Asuka, MIsato.."

He turned his head to the right to look at his guardian, with a silent plea for forgiveness in his eyes.

Misato felt hurt, all she wanted was to get to the truth and not just for her, but for Kaji, Shinji, and the other pilots, besides she already had to deal with losing the love of her life?

Still, what was she to do? Condemn the boy for it?

She put her hand on his shoulder and pressed it gently, a sign of reassurance.

Shinji cleared his throat and continued.

"Rei wasn't even the same person I'd known, if she even was a person at all.

Misato was never around and when she was, she didn't want to talk and... There were other things too..."

He stopped again, obviously not sure how to continue.

Misato was glad that the commander could not know what these other "things" had been.

She had been so desperate in her loneliness and sex had always helped her in the past, to feel alive.

_"But still, coming onto Shinji, that was weak. No wonder he was afraid."_

X

"Shinji, if it is too much for you, we can continue this on a later date."

Commander Fuyutsuki tried to comfort the boy who had suddenly become very interested in the texture of the carpet.

When he heard the old man, he looked up again and smiled weakly.

"No, it's okay. I guess. It's just hard for me to explain it.

When Asuka... after she...it was worse enough not being able to help her with the 15th angel, but afterwards she pushed me away, every time I tried to help her and I... I was not strong enough to fight against it. I let her push me away and then she… she…"

The third child began to cry and fought to get his emotions under control again.

"She... she tried to kill herself. I'm sure of it...

When I saw her in the hospital... everything was gone, she was the last person I felt could help me. I begged, I pleaded for her help. I commanded her to help me, but she abandoned me, like everyone else.

I felt like everyone had deserted me and at the same time I knew that all I ever did was hurt people. Touj, Rei, Asuka...

I really felt it would be best for me to just… just be gone."

He glanced at the commander, and again a faint smile was on his lips.

"I guess, that's all not so interesting for you, you want to know what happened with me and Unit 01."

"No Shinji that's okay, you take your time. I think it's good for us to know how you felt, isn't that right Major?"

Misato just nodded and made sort of an affirmative grunt; she did not really trust her voice just now. Part of her wanted to comfort Shinji, another part wanted to smack some sense into him, because he always reverted to self-pity and self-loathing.

"Okay then. I was sitting around feeling miserable, but then I realized I had to try to reach Asuka one last time, there was something...

I just needed to apologize for, to her.

I don't want to drag this out too long. When the JSSDF attacked… I just wanted to crawl into a hole and wait for death."

He shuddered as he remembered this part of yesterday's events.

„What I heard then… I guess that is what led me to rethink everything.

The shooting, the crying and dying. I felt responsible for the death of these people, because I wasn't out there piloting EVA.

That alone wouldn't have been enough.

Then I realized, that if I didn't act almost everybody I lo… like would die.

Misato, Rei all the NERV staff and Asuka. Asuka was totally helpless, lying there in the hospital.

So I decided to get to my EVA."

He just said that „matter of fact-ly", but Misato sensed what a big decision this must have been, considering the state Shinji had been in for the last few days.

„I was sure I couldn't get to my EVA the usual way, so I chose to use the ventilation ducts.

That's why I wasn't stopped when the corridors were flooded with bakelite

One shaft led me into the EVA hangar, but of course, Unit 01 was trapped in Bakelite as well.

I felt totally hopeless again. That's when I noticed that Unit 02 was gone.

Now I know it was in the water, but back then…

Doesn't matter, because in the end it made no difference, because in the end Asuka really was up there fighting alone. I just knew this was what was going to happen.

I was basically yelling and screaming at my EVA from then on.

I mean, I guess we all know by now, that my mom somehow is part of it, so I guess I was really screaming at her."

He remembered his desperation at that moment.

His cursing, his crying.

X

One thing he wasn't going to tell Commander Fuyutsuki and Misato, was that he was pretty sure his mom didn't want to save Asuka and stop the MP's at first.

He remembered himself yelling and screaming at the unmoving husk of bakelite covered EVA, with no result at all. In his memories he saw his realization, that his mother wasn't going to help him save Asuka.

Then he readied himself to jump down a shaft, to his death.

He basically made his mother decide between obeying his wishes or watching him kill himself.

„No matter what you want! No matter what outcome you'd want from this.

If I can't save Asuka and my friends, I'll simply kill myself.

I'm not letting you choose some stupid destiny, instead of saving the people I love."

And he'd not only made the decision to fight again, but he also had to face the fact that he really loved Asuka, something that was both wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

X

„It took a while, but then my EVA moved on its own again, breaking through the Bakelite and lifting me to the entry plug."

Misato interrupted him, because there was one thing she was especially curious about.

„Why couldn't we get any readings from your EVA at the beginning, even when you had already started to fight?"

Shinji shrugged his shoulders.

„I don't know, really. Maybe because it broke of his holdings?

There also was no umbilical cable attached."

„That can't be it. We could get readings from you after a while and we never lost connection to Asuka, even after the S2 core started working."

The boy wasn't sure why this was so important to Misato and he really had no idea.

„Then perhaps my mom just didn't want the connection.

She was behaving very strange. Anyway, after activation I had to climb the whole elevator shaft and really arrived just in the nick of time."

Talking about it brought it all back.

X

He remembered the frantic climbing, still forcing his mothers unwilling spirit to act.

The thoughts racing through his mind. His decision that the old Shinji had to die, to make room for a new one.

If he had again and again mustered the strength to fight the angels, no matter the pain, then he should be able to muster this strength in his personal life as well.

At least from time to time.

He remembered the wordless thanks and gratitude Asuka had shown, after he'd saved her in the volcano, remembered the harmony they'd achieved between them when they trained to fight Israfel

He remembered her face, as she cried for her mother in her sleep, he remembered the kiss.

He remembered countless little incidents and recognized that almost always Asuka and he connected when he'd stood his ground against her and how he'd failed repeatedly doing so.

Each failure forcing her away from him again.

Piloting EVA had shown him that conflict always was part of life.

If he wanted to gain some measure of peace in his life, he couldn't always avoid it, couldn't always back down.

He felt shame about his behaviour in the last few weeks, he'd really let everyone down.

He'd avoided Touji until he and his other friends had to leave town.

Rei had sacrificed her life for him and he'd shied away from her, instead of helping her regain what she'd lost. The girl was practically his sister and he avoided and feared her like cancer.

He didn't help Misato, when Kaji's loss hit her.

He abandoned Asuka when she really needed him the most, only to come back crawling, begging her comatose body to help him.

And then he even defiled her and whatever feelings he held for her.

Shinji was determined to change himself.

He wanted to be a better man, not just for himself but for the people he loved.

X

His line of thoughts and remembrance was cut short, when he heard Cmdr. Fuyutsuki cough politely… He realized that he must have been sitting here quietly for some time now.

„That's basically what happened."

He added lame.

„Fine Shinji, now that this is out of the way, do you have any questions?"

The boy took a moment to formulate his thoughts.

„I really would like to know what happened yesterday? With my father and Rei and Dr. Akagi.? Why did the mass produced EVA's fight us?

I heard on the radio this morning that SEELE was behind the attack. But why? What where their goals? What did my father want?"

Commander Fuyutsuki stood up from his chair and walked to the windows, staring out over the ravaged Geofront, and then he began reluctantly.

„It's difficult to talk about this, not only because it's been kept secret for such a long time now, but because I was a part of it.

Yet I think both you and Major Katsuragi deserve to know.

Basically, both your father and SEELE wanted to start Third impact and lead humanity to the next step of evolvement. Just the way to achieve it and what we wanted as the outcome was different.

SEELE wanted to gain immortality for their members and they thought they could lead humanity in some way in its new form. At first we, your mother, your father and I wanted to find a better way for third impact to occur and for humanity to survive and develop into something more. Somewhere along the way your father's goals changed.

I believe in the end all he wanted was to find a way to reunite with your mother, no matter the cost for the rest of us.

I wish I had found the power to work against this, but I was too weak."

Fuyutsuki paused, facing Shinji to see how the boy did cope.

So far, he managed quite well, unless he was just too shocked to show any reaction.

„This may explain the reluctance of Unit 01 to help you at the beginning, because your mom also wanted 3I to happen.

As for SEELE… Yesterday's attack was an attempt by SEELE to violently start Third Impact and the human Instrumentality project, the joining of all human minds as one. They planned to use UNIT .01 the direct Offspring of Lilith and the ADAM derived MP-EVA's. At the same time your father wanted to start his own version of it by using Rei Ayanami, who was specifically created as a vessel for LILITH's soul, with a part of ADAM integrated into his hand. By using Rei, he thought he could control Instrumentality to produce the outcome he desired.

We don't know what really happened, because Rei hasn't been awake since then and the other two participants are dead.

What we found in Dr. Akagi's personal files leads to the conclusion that she wanted to stop your father either by manipulating the Magi or with violence.

What we know is that Dr. Akagi shot Gendo and was then shot by him, before your father succumbed to his own wounds. Her personal files show a deep resentment for Rei, so that we deduced based on this and the positioning of the bodies, that she probably tried to kill Rei as well."

After a short pause, the old man added.

„That's all we know so far and unless Rei will wake up and tell us the rest, we won't know more."

He settled himself back into his chair again, folded his hands and examined the boy before him.

The thoughts were tumbling around in Shinji's head.

This was too much to digest at once. It was almost too much ever to understand. So all he had thought about his father was true. He really didn't care for anybody else. Just himself and his wife.

Sure, it was his mother yet how would this one reunion be worth the suffering of so many people and perhaps the end of humanity?

On the other hand he somehow felt pity for his father, who wasn't able to accept his loss and was willing to sacrifice everything to be reunited with his love.

He shook his head, why was everybody around him, including himself, so damaged?

He felt eyes on him and when he looked up, he saw Cmdr. Fuyutsuki watching him, with sympathy.

„Shinji, is there anything else you want to know? Anything you want to ask for?"

„No! No. This… this was more than enough. I don't even know how I should deal with this.."

The old man nodded his head in acceptance.

„Of course. I understand. However, if you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

We owe all f you pilots so much, so that is the least I can do."

Then he turned to Misato, who obviously had trouble dealing with the parts of the story she hadn't known.

„Major, if you'd be so kind to fetch Pilot Sohryu?

„Hai, Commander."

As Shinji and Misato left the office, she asked Shinji.

„Why don't you run ahead, back to the hospital and look after Rei? Asuka and I will join you, when we are done here."

Before he could answer, Asuka got up from her armchair and interrupted.

„Will we? I don't remember saying anything about wanting to see Wondergirl."

„Asuka, don't you think the least you can do is visit your comrade?"

„Actually no. I already visited the hospital today, thanks. I don't like the place so much, that I want to go there twice a day."

„Do you really have to behave like a spoiled brat again, Asuka? Barely surviving the end of the world should count for so…"

Being fed up with their bickering already, Shinji just said.

„I'll go then, okay? See you two later." and left.

X

The hospital was one of the few parts of the HQ that the attack hadn't reached.

So no patients were killed and there was enough medical staff to treat the wounded, that weren't transported to other clinics.

It was full to the brink of course, that's why it took some time for Shinji until someone told him where to find Rei.

He hesitated before entering, guilt burning through him.

He really hadn't talked to Rei since he knew the truth about her origin.

The boy still wasn't sure, if this Ayanami was the Rei he saw as a friend, but even if not, she still was part of his family.

In fact, she was the only close blood relative he had left since his father died.

He took one deep breath and opened the door.

X

Rei was the sole occupant of the small room.

She was attached to several monitors and propped up on cushions and the raised end of her hospital bed.

She looked as if she was just sleeping.

Shinji walked to the side of her bed and studied her face.

As usual with Rei, it showed no emotion, but seemed peaceful.

The only sign of physical damage was a small Band-Aid on her forehead above her right eye..

Shinji pulled up a chair and set down next to the bed, taking Rei's hand in both of his.

He'd held her hand just for a short while, when her eyelids fluttered and she opened her eyes to look at him.

„Ikari-kun." she sighed happily, a shy smile on her pale lips.

„You are save."

Shinji gently squeezed her hand.

„Yes, I'm fine Rei-chan, it's you I'm worried about."

„I'm glad, now that I know Ikari-kun wasn't hurt."

Her violet eyes met his.

„You were fighting, ne? I felt it. I felt that you and Pilot Sohryu were fighting for your lives and not thinking of giving in.

That's how I found the strength to deny him."

Shinji didn't get it at all. She felt him and Asuka fighting? Whom did she deny control?

„Sorry Rei, but I don't understand. Maybe you can tell me what happened n Central Dogma`?"

„I will tell you Ikari-kun, but could I get some water? I fear, I won't be able to talk a lot without something to drink."

Shinji nodded and filled a glass from the bottle of still mineralized water on the side table.

„Here you go, Rei-chan, can you manage yourself or should I help?"

She smiled again and took the glass from his hands.„I think, I can manage Ikari-kun, thanks for asking."

She emptied about half of the glass' content before she handed it back to him.

He put it back on the table and took her hand again in his'.

He was surprised, when he saw a single tear slide down her cheek.

„What's wrong Rei? Are you hurting? Should I call a doctor?"

She shook her head and again there was a smile on her lips. Shinji couldn't even remember her smiling before and now she did the third time in a few minutes?

„I'm not hurting, Ikari-kun. I'm happy because you like me again.

Since this body awoke you were distant and I'm happy that this is no longer so."

Shinji cringed at that.

„I'm sorry Rei-chan, really sorry. It was wrong to shy away from you.

You sacrificed yourself to save me and as a thank you, I spurned you.

I was afraid.

You were changed. It was as if you were a completely different person and then when Dr. Akagi showed me all these bodies and told me how you were… „created."

It was too much for me, after everything else that happened.

But it was wrong to treat you like this, because you are important to me."

Rei just nodded understanding and replied

"I understand. It took some time for me until me and my new body really united. The memories of what my last body experienced appeared to belong to someone else, but over time I remembered everything, including your kindness and friendship."

Shinji blushed a deep red. Rei's blunt way of talking about emotions was still freaking him out.

„Say, Rei-chan, would you tell me what exactly happened yesterday between you, my father and Dr. Akagi."

The pale girl said nothing for a while, thinking it over, then she nodded in agreement.

„I will try Ikari-kun, but I don't understand everything myself.

I explain as much as I can."

She took a deep breath, cleared her voice.

„Ever since my last self was lost, I felt even more detached from the people around me. A strange presence grew in my mind as if trying to unite with myself or rather to replace parts of my mind.

Inside me, there was a lot of confusion and pain.

And I-I r-really missed you Ikari-kun, even though I didn't know why and how to express myself. "

„Tears collected in her gentle red eyes and Shinji almost looked away in shame.

He fought with himself for a moment and then he slowly reached out to her and took her hand in his left, while his right gently wiped away the tears from her cheeks.

Rei's mouth opened and closed, but no sound escaped her.

Her eyes widened and she raised her free hand to her face marvelling at Shinji's gesture.

She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back and then he smiled at her again and Rei felt something inside her chest loosen.

Was this feeling happiness?

Still smiling she gathered her thoughts and continued her account of yesterday's events.

„When the attack started and the commander came to collect me, I knew what I had to do.

Accept Lilith' soul completely into myself and merge with Adam to follow the Commanders wishes.

Yet deep inside myself, there was the part that remembered. Remembered your friendship, my interactions with others like Major Katsuragi and even Pilot Sohryu…

XX

XX

… when Lilith's presence left me, I lost something and I was totally powerless.

I had no will or energy left to try to save myself from Dr. Akagi.

That's when your father shot her, before he died from his wounds.

In the end, he saved my life, as if it was worth something to him.

Even if… even if some of the things he did to me were horrible."

She had tears in her eyes again, when she finished her story.

„Rei, your life is worth something. It is for me, for Misato, Asuka…

Cmdr. Fuyutsuki said how much all three of us did for the world. Many people would miss you if you were gone. That is something I just learned for myself as well."

„Thank you Ikari-kun. And I know that, that's one of the reasons I didn't obey Lilith' and your fathers wishes."

His father… Shinji's thoughts kept returning to what Fuyutsuki and Rei had told him.

„So it's true. He really cared nothing for me, for anybody. Not for his son, not for his lover.

No one but my mother."

Rei's eyes met his again in understanding.

„Before he died, he called for your mother, but the last word he said was „Shinji," so he must have felt something for you."

„I-I don't really know what to think about this. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't.

No matter what, he did horrible things, to Asuka, to me and to you, Rei-chan."

They both were silent for a while.

Rei was relishing the strange onslaught of emotions she felt. It was as if a barrier that had separated her from her feelings, had dissolved.

At the same time Shinji tried to digest Rei's tale. And he fought with himself to muster the courage to open up to Rei.

His struggle was stopped short, when Rei addressed him.

„Ikari-kun?"

„Hai, Rei-chan."

„Ikari-kun, you keep calling me Rei-chan, I don't think you've ever addressed me like this before.

The use of the chan suffix indicates a certain closeness and affection to the person addressed with it, ne? Or am I wrong?"

„You are right of course, Rei-chan.

And that's part of something I wanted to talk to you about anyway."

Rei looked at him with wide-open eyes, satisfied with waiting for his explanation.

For a moment visions of the past rose up inside him.

When he first saw her wounded and bandaged and still trying to do her job as a pilot. And the many times he woke up in a bed and room just like this, just to find her sitting next to him, a book in her hands, keeping silent Vigil for him.

„See Rei-chan, yesterday, before I managed to make Unit 01 work, I did a lot of thinking.

Like I already told you, I realized that I'd been unfair to you.

And I thought about you and me and our relationship, what I feel for you."

He paused again to formulate his thoughts.

„You are a dear friend to me. You share my mother's genes, like I do, and I really care for you a lot.

I think you are **more** than just a friend, I see you as my Imouto, my younger sister and I'd be happy to be your Onii-san from now on. You're part of my family."

Rei looked at him with an indescribable expression on her face. Shinji feared she did not understand what he was trying to say or that she found it ridiculous."

Then Rei's violet eyes again filled with tears that ran down her cheeks and she began to cry silently.

Yet before he could react in any way, her hand squeezed his, so hard that it almost hurt.

Then she nodded enthusiastically and whispered breathless.

„H-hai Sh-Shinji-kun. Hai Onii-san."

Awkwardly Shinji leaned forward and embraced his „sister" and after a moment Rei actually returned the embrace. They both were crying freely now.

Shinji felt his heart open up to Rei, her joy and acceptance filling a void in his heart.

The girl, for the first time in her existence felt she really belonged somewhere. The feelings she had for Shinji basically from the moment they first met, finally made sense. Thoughts were racing inside her mind, tumbling over each other in a hurry to come to the front.

„_He's my family, my brother. He's my family. I have a family. I'm human. I'm human and I have a family. Shinji's my family. He is my brother. I have a brother!"_

X

An evil spirit couldn't have planned it better as in exactly this moment, when the two „Siblings" were in each others arms, Asuka and Misato entered the room.

„… I told you I don't need any help walking, Misato. So stop pestering me about it.

And no, I'm not going to knock before entering.

Rei's in a coma and Baka Shinji has to be kept on his toes, so he doesn't start any hentai stuff with the f…"

Her voice broke off as she registered the sight in front of her.

Rei and Shinji didn't even realize that somebody else had entered the room, only when Misato squealed in delight about the endearing scene before her, did they both let go of each other and faced the new arrival's with a slightly ashamed look in their faces.

Unfazed by this Misato rushed u0p to the bed and caught both teens in a hug, albeit being careful not to put too much pressure on the still hurting first child.

Shinji slowly searched for Asuka's eyes and felt a deep pang of pain in his heart, when he found the brilliant blue orbs filled with tears.

As if today hadn't already seen more than it's share of tears.

Asuka's right hand was clutching at her shirt in front of her heart and she had a look of desperation and hopelessness on her face.

When her eyes and Shinji's met she lowered her head slowly and then turned around and left the room as fast as her suddenly even weaker legs could manage…

Shinji groaned.

„Oh no! Why can't anything ever be easy?"

Both Misato and Rei looked at him with concern in their faces.

Shinji got to his feet and quickly embraced his sister again.

„I'm sorry Rei, but I have to look for Asuka.

She doesn't know how we two stand to each other and she definitely got the wrong impression just now."

He hurried out the door leaving two astonished women in his wake.

Misato pushed a few loose strands of hair back behind her ear and smiled at Rei.

No use to wonder about the lunacy inherent in her two charges, it wasn't like it was the first time their behaviour was strange.

Instead she chose to reach out to the shy first child, judging by Shinji's show of affection she'd better get used to the idea, that she'd see more of Rei in the future.

Not that she minded anyway. Rei was just as much, if not even more, in need of guidance and care from someone, than her „own" kids.

„So Rei… Just exactly how do you and Shinji-kun stand to each other?"

For a very short moment the pale girl looked flushed again, then she remembered the conversation with her brother and a bright smile appeared on her delicate features.

X

Asuka closed the door of the empty closet. Somehow, she felt safer in the small, defined and enclosed space.

She would have run for her entry plug, her EVA but the cramping muscles in her legs had already betrayed her.

So, she chose this closet. It was empty and stood in a relatively quiet and empty corridor in the hospital tract.

Plus, it was just close enough for her to sit inside with the door closed.

„Baka Shinji! Baka! Baka! Baka! What does he want with that porcelain doll?

Just yesterday, he said he needed me. He said that he wanted to be with me, didn't he?"

She couldn't take it, couldn't understand why it hurt so much to see the other two children in each other's arms.

Yet it did. It was a terrible, searing pain and it drove itself into her chest like a wedge, piercing her heart and leaving it to bleed out inside her.

And through this pain, there once more was no place to hide her real feelings. Just like one or two times before, after the kiss and in the night when Misato had left them alone after they had trained to defeat Israfel.

Asuka Langley Sohryu wanted Shinji Ikari to be there just for her, to belong to her.

It wasn't even Kaji anymore that protected her from the void in her wasn't Kaji whose arms shielded her from harm.

Somehow, he was transformed into the meek form of the third child.

And nothing had changed during she was in this vegetative state or afterwards, when she found her mother's soul inside Unit 02.

In the darkness of closet, she found the strength to admit that she properly loved Shinji.

Oh, how much she needed somebody.

If only one person would at last put her before everybody and everything else.

Didn't she deserve it?„Or am I so worthless, that I don't even deserve one person who really cares for me?"

„Of course you are, Asuka. Why do you think your father sent you away? Why do you think your mother rather died than be left alone with you?"

„B-but that's not true. M-mama didn't leave me. She was always with me. She was in Unit 02 to support me and protect me."

„Oh yeah? Then why weren't you able to pilot EVA properly? If she was so caring and protective, why didn't she help you when Shinji got better and better at piloting and your pride couldn't deal with it?"

„N-no. I-it w-wa-was j-just… Th-that had no-nothing to do with my mom.

It was my own uncertainty…"

„It just got harder and harder and harder to control Einheit 02, until you had noting left until Arael could do whatever he wanted…"

„NO! NO! NO! D-don't! Don't think about that. No, not Arael. Never think about it. The light… the piercing light. My soul. He's tainting my soul…"

„Think about it Asuka! Maybe whatever is left of your mother wanted you to die. Wanted you to be left with nothing. Maybe she wanted you to join her spirit inside Unit 02."

The dark and hopeless voice inside her continued her assault mercilessly, even when the rest of her mind had already succumbed to the terror of reliving the mind rape Arael had put her through.

„Because you are really worthless. All you have going for you are your looks, but you know what, Asuka? There's better out there.

There's Misato with her giant meat bags, she already took Kaji from you, even before he died. There's Rei with her porcelain skin and her strange and attractive hair and eyes. There was Dr. Akagi, Ibuki-san and lots of others, each of them way better looking, and if not better looking, then they are much nicer and cuter than you are.

That's why nobody wants you, not even Baka Shinji. That's why you'll always be alone!"

X

* * *

X

Shinji paced the corridors of the hospital, so far without success.

There was no trace of the young german redhead and neither the overworked personnel nor the patients he met had seen or heard her.

He pondered leaving the hospital wing, but Asuka's weakened body might interfere with her wish to get away as far as she liked.

At least that was what he hoped for, because the giant NERV HQ offered hundreds of places where the girl could hide herself.

X

Almost an hour later, he was at the end of his wisdom.

Exhausted he let his back rest against a wall in a shabby side corridor of the hospital. The white paint on the walls showed some cracks and wasn't all that pristine white anymore. It was empty except for a few cupboards and a big closet in a disgusting green tone.

No trace of Asuka and as far as Ms. Ibuki could ascertain no one had seen her in the last hour.

She just vanished.

„Damnit, Asuka! Why do you always have to make everything more difficult than it needs to be. Couldn't you just have given me the chance to explain, before rushing off like there was no tomorrow?"

He buried his face in his hands and wiped his eyes and then he heard it.

Sharp, almost mechanical sounding sobs, mixed with a wheezing noise as if someone was fighting for air.

The corridor was empty and the doors it led to where either sound proof or led to empty storage rooms, so where could the noises come from?

The only place he hadn't already checked was a big closet on the wall a few meters away.

As he walked nearer, the sounds grew louder until he was sure they came from within.

Tentatively he reached out to open the doors, somehow, unexplainable he was afraid of what he might see.

It was Asuka, she was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms hugging herself tightly. Her eyes just stared straight in front of her, she didn't seem to notice or see him.

Instead, her eyes seemed to see something else, something that was terrifying and frightening her.

Her face was contorted as if in pain and her mouth was left open with saliva drooling out of it. She made the strange animal like sobs, a sound that cut deep into Shinji.

It was almost as terrible as seeing her in her catatonic state for all these weeks.

„Asuka? Asuka! What's wrong, what happened?"

She didn't react and so he started shaking her shoulders. Even then, it took time until her eyes cleared and that terrible sound finally stopped.

The girl looked at him with wide-open eyes.

„Sh-Shinji?"

He took her hand and after a moments hesitation he started caressing her cheek.

In the next instant, the redhead flung herself into his arms and pressed her face into his chests.

Her arms went around his neck and she pulled herself against him so hard, that he almost had trouble breathing.

„Shinji. Shinji, please. Please, hold me. Help me. Help me."

Slowly he wrapped his arms around her and held her trembling form.

„Asuka, please. Tell me what's wrong with you. What happened?"

He could feel her tears wet his shirt as she shook her head, with her face still buried in his chest.

She was trembling like a leaf and he felt his heart cry out to her, like so many times before.

Even though it was terrible to see her suffer like this, there was a part of him, which was glad that she let him see it, instead of keeping her pain to herself like she had always done before.

He let himself sink to the ground and slowly pulled her onto his lap.

Then he continued to hold her, while he gently patted her back.

After a while, she calmed down a bit and he dared to ask her again.

„Won't you tell me what's wrong? You can't be so worried, just because you were getting angry about seeing Rei and myself."

She shook her head again, but raised her head to look at him through swollen eyes, with snot on her face.

How could somebody still look beautiful like this? He couldn't explain it, but to him she was still the most beautiful girl in existence.

The redhead stopped crying and studied his face.

„Is it okay, if I don't tell you just now? I will try to tell you, but I'm just not ready yet."

He just nodded. He was shocked to see her in this state, but considering it was Asuka, he was happy that she was willing to give him at least that.

After some more time passed Asuka slowly stood up from his lap, smiled almost shyly, with a light blush on her face.

She took a paper handkerchief out of her skirt pocket and sneezed violently.

Then she crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave him a mock glare.

„So Shinji, care to explain why exactly you were sooo close with the doll, when just yesterday you promised me to be always there for me."

Of course that was an attempt to divert his attention from her breakdown and she sounded as if she was just joking, as if it wasn't really important, but he was certain he heard a strain in her voice and saw a tinge of fear in her eyes.

„Un, Asuka. It's nothing like that. You probably know nothing at all about this, as it happened while you were… out of it.

A few weeks ago, I was told that Rei is some sort of clone of my mother, or at least part of her is."

The girl's jaw almost hit the ground.

„R-Rei is a clone of y-your m-mother? How is this possible who would do such a thing?"

And inside her mind.

„_Eww! And that's why the commander was all over her all the time. How disgusting. And to imagine I was jealous of all the attention she got.!"_

Shinji cleared his throat.

„I'll tell you all I know, Asuka. But could we walk back to Rei's room? I think you are tired enough and we have too look for groceries before we go home, because there's not much left."

She smiled a shy little smile.„Yes, I know. And there's probably still no take-out today, ne?"

„No fair, picking on my weak joke from yesterday."

„Wasn't it my joke?"

Shinji couldn't stifle a laugh.

„Anyway… about Rei and me. You see, it's like this…"

As Shinji explained, Asuka felt a dark cloud rise from her soul.

It was as if his presence alone helped drive away her fears.

Yet she couldn't help the feeling that this was only the beginning, as if something dark and evil had gotten it's claws into her and was about to begin devouring her.

She shuddered. Certainly it wasn't more than a leftover of her ordeal with the 15th angel. No need to worry about it. No Need.

X

X

* * *

X

X

_**Author's notes:**_

_Yes, yes I know. Some of you might feel that they are all out of character and I'm not going to argue that. _

_But… The basic premise of the story is that they are all changed by the events of the avoided third impact._

_Meaning, Asuka is reunited with her mother's spirit and has experienced that Shinji didn't let her down again._

_Shinji has decided to act and protect rather than cower and wait until it's too late._

_Rei has decided to live as a human in addition to saving her brother._

_And yes, Shinji and Rei are siblings. For me there's no other way to see it._

_Rei's genes are made up of Yui's and Lilith's so it's basically like they are half-siblings and for all you Rei fags out there anything more than sibling love between those two would be the same as incest so stop making me sick!_

_Joking, you sickos! Get off on whatever you like as long as I'm not forced to read/see it._

_REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!_

_In fact, I promise faster updates it I get more than 10 different reviews for this chapter. Word of honour. _

_But not if it's 10 anonymous reviews with one sentence by the same dude._


	3. Chapter 3

Author's ranting:

Finally, I present you chapter three.

Chapter four should **really** follow soon and I've almost finished writing the chapter after that.

This one is sort of a filler, it was originally supposed to be part of chapter two, but I wanted to update and didn't really have inspiration for these scenes...

While I can't promise faster updates, I'll do my best to make it possible.

Spoken words are set in ""

_Thoughts are italic_

Disclaimer: I don't own NGE or its characters, never will, obviously it doesn't stop me from writing these things.

P.S. I think this chapter is quite weak, I'm not at all satisfied with it, but I really can't help it. I worked on it quite a while and it doesn't get any better, so I finally decided to post it.

* * *

**X**

**One Mistake:**

**X**

**Chapter Three – Small steps**

**X  
X**

The two teens took their time to return to Rei's room.

Asuka really had trouble walking now and had to lean heavily on Shinji, because the muscles in her legs and back were tightening up like hell.

Yet Shinji had a lot to tell his fellow pilot and so the time was well used.

The astonishing revelations about what had happened during the time she was "away" and about the background of NERV and SEELE, were unsettling to say the least, but they sure did manage to take her mind away from her more personal hell for the time being.

On the other hand the revelations forced her thoughts to wander in another unpleasant direction.

Deep down inside Asuka knew she didn't think enough about how the people around her felt, as long as it didn't concern her.

She knew she appeared selfish and egotistical to others and most of the time she didn't even care.

No one was looking out for her and no one had for a long, long time.

So wasn't it just natural for her to look out for herself? So that at least one person put her before everything else?

Certainly it was, but recent events had shown her that her mother never had stopped caring for her and that the third child cared for her as well.

´With this in mind she found herself caring for others again, feeling sorry for what Shinji, Rei and even Misato had gone through in the last few weeks.

It was as if some part of her that had lain dormant for along time, had now awakened and started to stir her up.

She even felt slightly sorry for what her breakdown had done to Shinji, after hearing in more detail how badly he had reacted to it.

Of course she wasn't responsible for his pain, after all it had been her who had been hurt, her who had been crushed.

But knowing how much it had affected him almost made her happy in some strange way.

She was disturbed in her musings, by the absence of motion because Shinji had stopped walking and she found him studying her face intently.

"Are you okay, Asuka?"He asked with a worried expression on his gentle face.

"We can stop here for a while, if it hurts too much."

For a moment she felt anger welling up inside her.

How dare the Baka suggest that she was weak and couldn't go on?

How…

„_Ah! But I'm getting so sick of this." _

She thought tiredly.

„_Always getting angry about nothing, always putting him down for trying to be nice. Somehow I don't know what's in it for me any more." _

The anger faded away and was replaced with a certain „fondness."

She flicked Shinji a short, small smile, turning his expression to confusion and on a whim she leaned closer in to him and gave him a peck on the cheek.

The boy flushed furiously, his hand instinctively going up to his cheek, contemplatively touching it.

The redhead snickered internally, some things definitely didn't change and wouldn't for a long time. The power her smallest sign of affection or teasing held over Shinji was intoxicating.

"Oi, Baka! I'm fine. So stop daydreaming and let's hurry up a bit.

I can't wait for you to say goodbye to your little „sister" and get the hell out of here.

Every time I come here, I hate it even more."

Unwanted images of Shinji laying in one of these rooms, flashed before her minds eye.

Rei sitting near him, reading as usual.

"_And I was always waiting outside. Of course I couldn't show him or her openly that I was worried too, but I couldn't stay away as well, could I?" _

Then she remembered herself….

No!

She wouldn't allow herself to think about that.

To her convenience they arrived at Rei's door at that moment.

Asuka eased herself from Shinji's supporting hands and straightened herself up.

She had already used a sanitation unit in an empty room to clean herself from the traces of her earlier breakdown, but was it enough?

She stopped Shinji's hand going to the door's handle.

"Ah, Shinji. Do I look all right? I don't want the doll or Misato to see that I've been crying."

"Ano, Asuka. I wish you would stop calling her that. Do you really need to put her down any longer? I think…"

"Shut up, Baka! I was just kidding. I won't insult your precious Imouto anymore. Now turn your attention back to something important. Back to me! Do I look okay?"

Shinji rubbed his neck and lowered his gaze to the ground.

"Of course you do. Y-you are b-beautiful as always."

Without wanting it, Asuka felt a faint blush emerge on her face.

"_Beautiful? Baka Shinji, always overdoing it…"_

She mumbled quietly and gave the third child a light slap on the back of his head.

"Don't try to flatter me with compliments, Baka!"

And almost as an added afterthought.

"But thanks anyway, third child, even if you're lying."

"Nani? You know I would never lie about…"

To stop his ramblings, Asuka quickly opened the door and shoved Shinji through it.

X  
X

Inside the atmosphere seemed to be quiet and relaxed.

Misato was sitting next to the bed and was in what appeared to be an easygoing conversation with the pale first child.

To both Asuka's and Shinji's surprise the quiet and timid Maya Ibuki sat on a chair on the other side of Rei's bed and was in the process of peeling an apple with a small fruit knife.

All three women looked at the new arrivals.

Rei's expression visibly lightened up and she couldn't seem to help smiling at her two fellow pilots.

Asuka felt strangely touched by this small, unsure smile on Rei's face.

With all that Shinji had just told her, a lot of her memories were put into new perspective. Again images flashed before her minds TV screen.

Images of the selfless actions of the first child, of how she had risked her life for her fellow pilots.

Of her quiet and calm ways and how she always appeared disconnected to the rest of humanity, just a few loose connections to… well just to two people actually, Commander Ikari and Shinji.

She remembered Rei's expressionless features whenever she started to attack and insult the white haired girl.

How Rei even allowed her to slap her in the face when they argued in the elevator that one time.

The young german girl felt ashamed. She cursed silently.

"_Just what is wrong with me… Why do I suddenly feel sorry for how I treated the puppet?"_

For the first time Asuka realized that her ordeals with the 15th angel and everything that happened before and after it, had not only led her to reassert herself, but had as well taken away most of her ability to fool herself.

No longer was she able to cheat herself into believing that it was okay to ease her own pain by lashing out at others who were equally hurt.

And so she felt ashamed and she felt regret.

What could have been if she would have been able to make friends with Rei, if she could have been at least a bit more honest about her feelings for Shinji?

Was it too late already? Or was there any chance to steer her life into a new direction?

Yet even after all this, she couldn't find it in herself to ask for forgiveness or admit her mistakes to the ones she had wronged.

She knew it was stupid, but she refused to let go of the last vestiges of her pride she had left.

Azael may have forced her to look beyond her pride and aggression at that scared, broken, little girl inside her, but her pride and stubbornness were also part of herself.

It was not just a mask, a shell, it was also part of her personality.

Not all of it was a façade. She was proud of herself and rightly so. She had accomplished a lot in her short life.

With all that she had been put through, she had still managed to become an EVA pilot, to get her university degrees at such a young age and in such a short time.

And she was beautiful, being proud of it and using it to her advantage, didn't make it less true.

All this went through the redheads mind in the short moment after she saw Rei's smile.

Maybe… maybe she could just try to…

„_Maybe I can start over… Maybe we all can start over. So much has happened yesterday to all of us. I'm the great Asuka Langley Soryu after all. How could the doll… How could Rei and Shinji resist my charming personality if I set my mind to it? They will be happy that I want to be friends with them…_

_Ah, who am I kidding? I really want this to work. I will put every effort into it."_

_X  
X_

She summoned a big, friendly grin on her face, not a fake one, but something true, even if slightly exaggerated.

Holding onto her pride like it was the last piece of her clothing left, she walked up to the bed and came to stand next to Maya Ibuki who had stopped peeling the apple and was looking at the pilot expectantly.

Ignoring the timid woman for know Asuka concentrated on the girl lying before her.

Rei looked up to her face and if she hadn't known it before already, seeing the unsure, but open expression on the first child's face would have told her that the albino had changed as much, if not more than she had.

Reluctantly and slowly she held out her hand and let it sink on the first child's shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Ano Rei, I…"

She stopped unsure how to continue. Rei's eyes searched her face.

Asuka forced herself to smile again, apologetically.

"Gomen, Rei. This is a bit hard for me. After all we weren't the best of friends…"

At hearing this Rei's expression changed to a more cautious one, perhaps fearing what sort of fuzz the second Child was about to start now.

Asuka noticed the change in Rei's features, but didn't allow herself to be stopped by this obstacle.

„Th-that's why I wanted to tell you… I'm really happy that you are okay. And from now on I want… I want us to try and be friends."

The redhead studied her counterpart's face.

Rei showed no reaction to her statement.

Again the german girl felt anger rising inside her.

"_The nerve of her! Here I go and offer peace to her and she just continues staring stupidly at me. Oh how I hate her and her stupid doll face and…"_

She stopped herself.

"_Way to fall back into old habits, Asuka! You better show her how much you want this by starting to insult her again. Baka Asuka!"_

She smiled again and ran a hand over Rei's hair.

"I'm really… I really… This is no joke, Rei. I'm not trying to fool you or something. A lot… a lot has happened to us all and I want…"

She didn't know what else to say.

It didn't seem necessary after all, because Rei's smile appeared again, this time more sure of itself and broader and she took Asuka's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

Or so it could have happened if Asuka weren't Asuka.

In the end she couldn't bring herself to do or say it.

X  
X

Instead she just smiled at Rei for a moment and said:

"Hi Rei, how are you?"

Rei blinked at her, an unasked question in her eyes.

"I'm better than I had hoped to be yesterday."

Which was about as cryptic as Asuka was used to from the pale Albino.

"Great, that's just great. Well anyway, I hope you get better soon. Baka Shinji will be unbearable as long as his girlfriend is in the hospital."

It was an answer which befitted the german girl, except that there was no evil intent behind it and her tone suggested, that she really was just joking around a bit.  
_"And that's that! I can't do more than that. A few weeks ago, I hated her so much, I couldn't even stand to talk to her anymore."_

The redhead thought to herself, even this small step was enough to make her insides cringe, but she was ready to go through with it.

An uneasy silence hung over the room now.

No one seemed to know how to lift this awkward atmosphere.

Asuka felt a little embarrassed and couldn't shake the feeling that she still had managed to lose face in front of the others.

Shinji and Misato, while they both were probably okay with the development, were dumbfounded by musing what exactly Asuka's intentions were.

X

Finally Maya Ibuki cleared her throat and offered the first slice of apple to Rei.

"H- here Rei-chan, you should s-start to eat, fruits are good for y-you."

Clearly uneasy with the attention her remark got her, the young woman blushed furiously but nonetheless started to feed the apple slices to the recovering first child.

After a moment of startled wonder, Rei relaxed into her cushions and let the other woman attend to her.

But not before she caught Asuka's gaze and gave her another of those unsure smiles of hers. Small and insecure and somehow looking as if Rei wasn't exactly sure how to move the muscles in her face to gain the desired effect.

Yet she managed anyway and added a small nod to her smile.

Asuka nodded back with an almost unmoved face, just a small tinge of red showed on her cheeks.

Rei had to open her mouth to catch another slice of apple.

Even now after the changes in her, human emotions and feelings still were a book with seven seals and she was unable to understand why the timid computer specialist was here now and clearly trying to be of help and to comfort her.

X

Asuka and Shinji, who had joined Maya at Rei's bedside, decided to just stay as they were and after a short while, the pain in her muscles and back forced the redhead to again let herself be supported by the dark-haired teen.

Misato watched the whole scenario before her with a happy smile.

Never had she dared to expect something like what she had just seen from Asuka, it might seem just a little step in the right direction, but for Asuka it was definitely something.

All in all, the three pilots seemed changed and for the better.

Shinji was more at ease with himself, he even stood straighter and taller.

Asuka was more relaxed than ever before and she displayed neither the terrible husk of herself she had been after the 15th angels attack, nor the boisterous, intolerable brat she had been so often before that.

With insight uncommon to her, Misato realized that part of Asuka's excruciatingly strong drive for attention and her horrible ambition to always be the strongest, bravest and most praised, had been gone or was at least severely diminished.

And Rei was almost a totally different person, where she had always be detached from humanity, the girl was now eager to get closer to it.

She was shy, afraid and ready to escape like a deer at the first sight of rejection, but the fact alone, that she really seemed to desire human contact was a giant step for the first child.

Misato's line of thought was interrupted when she heard a frustrated sigh escape from Asuka. Checking the young redhead, the Major realized that the days effort had taken a toll from Asuka's still frail and weakened form.

The young german leaned heavily on the boy beside her, with her right arm resting on his shoulders and her left hand clinging to his left shoulder.

She was almost hunched over and couldn't hide an expression of pain any longer.

Shinji realized his friends predicament at the same time and quickly wrapped his arm around the girls slim waist.

His gaze revealed that he was a little afraid that he would garner an angry reaction, like he probably would have in the past, but instead the girl smiled and leaned into him a little more.

The dark-haired boy slowly led Asuka to the only chair in the room that was free and carefully eased her onto it, while he came to stand behind her.

His right hand stayed on her shoulder as if to reassure her and surprisingly enough her own right hand rested on his and held it in a soft grip.

Misato was almost shocked to see this display of affection between the two pilots. Did either of them even realize how close they seemed.

The Major felt a painful twinge inside her when she remembered Kaji.

Her lover had always suspected that Shinji was more than just infatuated with the beautiful, german girl and more importantly, the agent had believed that underneath Asuka's arrogant and hurtful mask deeper feelings for the boy were hidden.

Now for the first time Misato was ready to believe this and she wished, oh how she wished to share this with her love. How much she would love to see his confident smirk when he'd go:

"**Told ya so, Misato!" **

How he would just laugh it all off, when she'd start to get angry about his smug expression and know-it-all attitude. He would just stay calm and smile, even when she started hurling abuse at him.

And then he might finally grab her and close her mouth with his lips and he...

The Major felt her eyes mist over and quickly wiped them with her hand.

Time to go. Time to go home and loose herself in a bottle to gain a few hours sleep.

X

"Come on, kids! We've got an apartment to clean up and when I look at Asuka, it seems someone needs a hot bath to relax strained muscles ."

And with a mischievous grin Misato added.

"Or perhaps you would prefer a massage from Shinji-kun, ne Asuka?"

Shinji's face turned dark red and he managed to almost disappear behind the red-head's chair.

While the girl turned red as well, it was for different reasons.

"Shut up, you old hag! You... you arrgghh!"

Once again words failed her, as usual none of her smarts really helped her, when Misato started to tease her about Shinji.

The major laughed and then relented.  
"Just kidding, Asuka. But really I think you should rest, you are still pretty weak and need it."

Asuka gave in, as there really was no place for an argument.

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Fine by me."

"Shinji?"

The boy nodded.

"Okay then. Rei. Goodbye. We'll visit you again soon. I'll at least bring Shinji around tomorrow."

The white-haired girl briefly looked at each of them and nodded.

"Goodbye, Major. Pilot Soryu... Shinji."

And after a pause, almost as if trying out the sound.

"Onee-san."

It sounded almost like a question.

Shinji was about to help Asuka off her seat. But then he stopped and walked back to Rei's bed.

Awkwardly he took the girl in his arms and embraced her gently.

Ignoring her somewhat stiff and unsure reaction, he smiled.

"Goodbye, Rei. Sleep well tonight and I'll visit you tomorrow, okay?"

Finally she relaxed and even returned the hug.

"Shiiiinnnnjiiii."

The redhead lengthened his name to emphasise.

"Shinji, can we go now?"

The boy let go of Rei and nodded.

He returned to Asuka and eased her off the chair.

X  
X

Back in the car Asuka relaxed into the seats and let her head sink against the boys shoulder.

"Why do you think Ms. Ibuki was visiting Rei? I don't remember her visiting any of us in hospital before."

Shinji thought about it for some time.

"I've no idea, maybe she just wanted to check on her or something..."

The redhead smiled knowingly.

"You know what I think? I think she's ashamed because of what Dr. Akagi tried to do."

Shinji looked at her perplexed.

"W... why would she be ashamed about what Dr. Akagi did?"

Asuka smiled again and replied in a "know it all" tone.

"Shinji you really are a baka. Don't you know that Ms. Ibuki was totally in love with Dr. Akagi? I thought everybody realized that."

The boy looked dumbstruck.

"Nani? I... I never thought... I had no idea. I mean, she seemed like she had a lot of respect for her, but..."

The redhead chuckled quietly.

"You are so naïve. I bet it is because of that. I'll bet you 10.000 Yen.

Even though she never confessed, she's ashamed of what her idol tried to do to Rei and that's why she wants to care for her."

Shinji just shook his head, astonished about his own naivety.

In a weird way it did make sense, especially considering how bad Ms. Ibuki was able to deal with what the pilots had to suffer.

Unnoticed by the two teens, their guardians shoulders had stiffened at hearing the name of her dead friend.

The rest of the drive went quiet, each passenger had to digest a lot of new information and most of it was a topic, to heavy to discuss lightly and careless on the way home.

* * *

This night in her bed Asuka had trouble sleeping.

She was soaked in sweat and the sheets clang to her body.

Not for the first time she wished for the cooler climate of her homeland.

There weren't many people she missed, but stuff like the food, the weather and the country itself she missed.

Sometimes Japan seemed so strange, no matter her ancestry.

The reserved ways of the Japanese people, the sight of all the kids in school uniforms, even the way people reacted to her more outspoken personality.

Was she feeling homesick? She must be, at least a little bit.

Sighing she threw off the blankets from her body and breathed heavily. The humidity seemed to turn the air in the room into something almost solid, each air intake more of a bite than a breath.

She stared up at the blank ceiling and tried to settle down, but it was no use.

So many things were running turmoil in her head that she just couldn't relax.

The german girl was intelligent, almost on a genius level, that's why it had always taken a lot of effort to maintain her illusions before her own judging eyes.

Yet without the mask she put on for the world and even herself, her life would have been unbearable painful.

Even so, there always were cracks in her armour, times when her loneliness and pain seeped through.

Sometimes it just led to her getting angry and abusing her victims like Shinji and the other two idiots even more, but sometimes it led to hidden tears and desperation, to shamelessly throwing herself at Kaji or using her "assets" to embarrass and entice the third child.

And now, ever since she'd woken up inside her mother's warmth and protection, after being shaken down to the core by what had happened to her, after losing Kaji and after seeing Shinji come through for her, the young redhead found it incredible difficult to put her barriers up again.

Not so much the barriers for others, but the barriers inside herself.

Her soul had been laid bare and she shuddered and trembled inside just thinking about the alien creature that had done this to her, about how much everyone at NERV HQ might have learned about her through her ordeal.

On the other hand, losing her ability to fool herself was even more frightening, thinking about it, there seemed to be no way back to her old self.

Part of her just wanted to be dead, wanted to shrink back into oblivion and nothingness.

Another part, maybe even the stronger part, felt empowered by the knowledge that there were in fact people caring for her.

Her mother's soul, Shinji, maybe even Misato (No, probably not Misato).

It made her feel like there was a chance for her to gain happiness, even after all that had happened to her.

If only it would turn out for the good.

"_Do I really dare to dream of a better life?"_

She turned around again and pulled her cushion over her head.

She resented the way her oversized "t-shirt for nightgown" clung to her body with sweat.

This promised to be a long night.

* * *

**X**

X

**A.N:**

Not much to add, as I stated above, this is just a short filler, a regular chapter should follow this Sunday CET + 1h and it's gonna be so full of angst and drama you wouldn't believe I'm actually an adult...

As always... REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!

I cannot express how much each review, or story alert etc. fires up my engine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Ramblings:**

_Okay, as I promised, I managed to put this chapter up pretty soon._

_To be honest, the first draft of this was written for a long, long time._

_In fact it was the first piece I wrote for this story, everything else originated from here and from the idea:_

_"What would happen to Asuka if she had to experience the mind rape and found her mother's spirit in Unit 02, but then third impact didn't happen?"_

_At the end of last chapter I promised angst, but now upon rereading this once again, I feel it's actually more than angst._

_ It's pretty dramatic or maybe melodramatic, not so much "angsty."_

_Sorry, I guess I was influenced by the original german meaning of Angst, which simply translates into fear in English._

X  
X

At the end of this chapter I'm going to talk a bit more about the whole thing and my motivations for it.

X

I'm hard at work with the next chapter, but some pieces are still missing and right now it sort of doesn't synch perfectly.

X

Spoken words are set in ""

_Thoughts are italic_

**Bold is the original series script, as far as I could make it out.**

**X**

Disclaimer: I don't own NGE or its characters, but I'd sure like to.

All rights stay with the owner, which is sad, or probably good, because from an artistic point of view, the canon ending of EOE is probably better than all the happy endings we fanfic writers scribble.

* * *

X

**One Mistake:**

X

**Chapter Four:**

X

**Miasma of the mind:**

X

X

_Months have passed. _

_Rei soon was allowed to leave the hospital and returned to her dreary, run-down apartment._

_It had been damaged by the fighting, but the first child really didn't care._

_Shinji tried to persuade his sister to join Misato, Asuka and him, but the white haired girl declined and Shinji simply lacked the skills to convince her otherwise._

_So for the time being he agreed to let her have her way._

_Misato somehow managed to keep in control of her pain and loss **and **her drinking habits._

_In her opinion it was because the promise she made to herself to be the best guardian possible for her young charges, didn't allow her to fall into despair._

_While the relationship between Asuka and Shinji steadily evolved for the better, it was not without setbacks, basically Asuka was still strong-willed and self-centered and Shinji still was fast to cower in defeat and desired peace more than anyything else._

_These behaviour was so ingrained in both their psyches, that it wasn't prone to change in a relatively short amount of time._

_X_

_Somewhere in the United States Seele 07 – George Wilkens sits and waits his time._

_He hasn't been found and can be relatively certain he is safe now._

_Inside him his hatred for the Children boils and burns and festers into black tar._

_X_

* * *

_X_

"**Don't enter into me!**

**No! Please! Don't look inside my mind!**

**Please! Don't invade my mind anymore."**

"Oh Gott, bitte hilf mir. God, help me!"

Asuka whimpered, with the voice of a small child.

"Somebody help me. Stop him! Bitte!

Not again, not again. NOOOOOOOOO!"

But it was no use, she was still caught in the Angel's beam. helpless while he eroded her defences and turned her into a puddle of weakness and shame...

X

"Shinji, help me! Save me, please! Rette mich! Rette mich! Don't let it get to me!

**What are you doing there? You won't do anything! You don't help me! You won't even hold me!"**

X

As if what happened to her mind wasn't enough, three bulky dark shadows emerged around her inside the LCL-filled cockpit. She looked at them without understanding, her body still shaking and flailing around under Arael's psychic attack.

They were nothing more than dark silhouettes, as if pure nothing had somehow distilled into corporeal form.

They emanated an almost tangible menace.

X

Two of the shadows grabbed her helpless body, pinning it down onto her seat, while the third ripped her plugsuit apart.

A double row of sharp white teeth opened in the shadowy figures, where the head would be on a human.

Forming into a gruesome and terrifying grin.

Arael's loud laughing resounded through her mind, while he continued to assault her will with everything she had locked up inside her mind.

_"It's not real." _she told herself. _"It's only in my head. Not real. Not…"_

The grin ever widening the dark shadows reached out for her naked, helpless body."

X

X

She jerked up in her bed, a scream still hanging in the air.

Her shirt had rode all up to below her breasts, she was covered in sweat and the darkness around her was menacing.

The german girl was panting heavily, forcing the hot summer air into her aching lungs.

Frantically her fumbling fingers searched for her reading lamp on her bedside table.

X

_"Don't break it! Don't! It has to be here somewhere! Where? Where? _

_Oh, thank god!"_

X

She switched on the small lamp beside her bed and the darkness retreated to the edges of her room.

She was still shaking and couldn't stop it.

She pulled her knees up to her body and her shirt down over them, embraced her legs with both arms and pressed her face into her knees.

She was covered in damp, salty sweat, the wide shirt and cotton shorts, she wore at night were clinging to her skin, her normally so luscious red hear was wet as well and strands of it seemed almost glued to her face and shoulders with sweat.

_X_

_"This last part never even happened. Is my Mind actively looking for ways to hurt me even more?_

_Oh Gott! Why am so weak? I can't stand it! I just can't take it anymore! I wanna die! I wanna die!"_

Unwanted tears welled up in her eyes and ran over her cheeks.

X

She was always afraid now, always.

Whenever she was alone she had the feeling of invisible evil eyes watching her.

In the dark it was even worse.

She saw horror in every shadow.

The great Asuka Langley Soryu reduced to a shivering bundle of fear.

Shaking under her blanket, which she had pulled up over her head, like a small child afraid of monsters.

And that was exactly what was happening, only that Asuka knew her monsters to be real.

They were a winged angel named Arael and the terrible, smiling visages of the MP-Evas.

Again and again she dreamed about the moment when the MP-EVA's weapon had transformed into an exact copy of the Lance of Longinus and her timer run out.

With wide opened eyes she stared at the weapon, about to enter into her EVA's head.. .

Only that in her dream no Unit 01 was there to catch the weapon. It speared right through her EVA's armour and Asuka cried out in pain as her eye was gouged out by the attack,

And it didn't stop there. In her dream she and her EVA were shredded to pieces by their enemies and Asuka felt all of it.

She died, defiant but without a chance.

No Shinji by her side, no glorious victory against overwhelming odds.

She and her mother's spirit died screaming in these dreams.

X  
X

Still these dreams weren't by far the worst. At least she knew it didn't happen.

No, dreaming about Arael was much. much worse, and got even worse every day.

By now the MP-Eva dream was just a part of the whole Arael ordeal.

And every night her mind seemed to conjure new terrifying visions.

The dark silhouettes being the latest addition.

It felt like her unconsciousness had become a deadly enemy.

Of course she didn't tell anybody and showed the same Asuka to the world as always.

Nevertheless, the fact that she hadn't gotten more than 1-2 hours of sleep each night for the past month began to show.

The flawless front she showed the world, had more and more cracks. Wide cracks.

Shadows under her eyes.

Her normally perfect complexion had began to look pale and sick.

And her temper flared even higher than normal, last week she had, broken Kensuke's little finger, Toji's nose and Shinji had a black eye and a big bruise around his mouth and on the left cheek.

All the progress she had made in the last 4-5 months gone, just like it never had been there to begin with.

X

And yesterday she had slapped Hikari, when an innocent question made her so angry, that she lost control.

Hikari, of all people. Her only real friend besides Shinji.

Asuka could still see the shocked expression on her gentle friends face, as she held her hand over the flaming imprint the german girl's hand had left on her cheek.

A single tear had run down Hikari's cheek.

X

Asuka broke down crying before Hikari, sobbing one apology after another.

She didn't care at this moment whether anyone saw it or not.

Thankfully they were alone in the girls shower then, but still...

Hikari forgave her instantly but Asuka couldn't stop crying.

Soon Hikari was sitting beside her friend, embracing the slim redhead, gently stroking her hair, while Asuka pressed her face into Hikari's shoulder and cried and cried.

After a while Asuka had finally managed to stop crying, but it felt so good to be held, and when Hikari asked, she told her about the nightmares, but didn't go into any detail..

Of course she didn't admit how much they had shaken her confidence.

X

In truth there were just two things that made her feel safe anymore.

One was when she was sitting in her EVA, with her mom's loving presence all around her and the second was whenever Shinji was around.

It was ridiculous. The great, fearless Asuka Langley Soryu only felt safe when timid, yellow-bellied Shinji was around.

Well, he had saved her life a few times now and he was always there when she needed him (the one exception being what happened with Arael and afterwards).

Only that she knew, they wouldn't have let him come to her help and after that she had done everything to push him away.

That's why she felt she could trust him and she was pretty certain about how he felt for her...

Still it was so humiliating to have to depend on him.

„_How does he even manage that, he seems to be like he always was, just calmer, more in control of himself and more confident."_

It didn't matter at all!

Of course it wasn't possible to go to him for help, she'd never admit it, she would fight this on her own.

That was her decision and she wouldn't succumb to her weakness.

X

At least it had been her decision, but now... She didn't really care anymore for what she had decided on.

The problem was she couldn't fight it anymore, what she had told herself after she woke up was true.

She would rather be dead than endure this any longer.

And since she didn't want to die, not now when she finally managed to open up to somebody, there was really only one option left. ´

Meaning that, because Misato didn't allow her to sleep in her EVA, she could only go to Shinji.

X

It wasn't easy for her to come to terms with this, but in the end she knew there was no other way.

After fighting with her stubbornness for another thirty minutes, she had enough of it.

Sighing loudly, she finally stood up and hurried to the door to turn the regular room lighting on.

Then she felt safe enough to quickly change clothes and comb her hair.

She certainly couldn't come to Shinji looking like a frightened baby.

No way. She still had what was left of her pride.

X

She grabbed her pillow and blanket and walked to her door.

She opened it and fumbled for the switch for the corridor lights, without looking into the dark corridor before her.

When she had flicked it on, she lost no time and quickly hurried to Shinji's room..

The moment she entered, she felt better.

X

_"Impossible. Why, why? He's such a wimp he's always much more afraid than I am. It's not fair. Not Fair! Why did this have to happen to me?I didn't deserve this. I don't!_

_All I ever could depend on was myself and now I'm even losing that?"_

X

Each step towards his bed was a struggle with herself.

X

_"He likes you, he said so, he will be glad to help. And you don't hate him, in fact you might even... No, no Asuka, don't go there."_

X

She reluctantly kneeled beside his bed, switched on his reading lamp and dropped her pillow and blanket on the ground next to the bed.

After another moment of uncertainness, while her eyes wandered through the small and neatly clean room, she started to shake Shinji rather roughly.

X

"Shinji. Shinji. Wake up. Wake up you Baka."

X

Finally he turned around to her, his eyes not really open and with a big grin on his face he said.

X

"Asuka you're here, come here my darling."

X

And with this he pulled the surprised girl down to his face and planted a long and serious kiss on her lips, catching her in an embrace.

For one moment Asuka fought against it, but then she let herself go limp and returned his kiss hungrily. She was surprised about her reaction, yet somehow it felt like it was the right thing to do.

In fact it seemed like the perfect thing to do.

X

This time it was a real kiss, not this stupid prank she had pulled on him last year, not the small, short pecks on cheek or lips she had given to him in recent months.

No, it was a real kiss and it was oh so sweet.

Asuka had a funny feeling in her stomach as if butterflies were flying around in it.

The girl closed her eyes and let herself sink onto his bed, embracing him, pulling herself closer to him until she could feel the warmth of his body through the thin blankets. Fireworks seemed to explode behind her eyes, as she allowed herself to get lost in his caress.

Like with a magic eraser all thoughts of fear and nightly terror were gone instantly.

X

Suddenly the kissing stopped and when Asuka slowly opened her eyes with a sound of discomfort, her lips pursed, ready to continue, she saw Shinji's dark blue eyes staring at her in horror.

X

"Nani! A- Asuka, what are you doing?"

The boy shivered in fear of what might come next. It had felt like heaven, in fact so much so that he finally wasn't able to convince himself anymore, that he was just dreaming, but knowing Asuka, the glimpse of heaven could easily lead into an eternity of hell.

X

Asuka felt rejected somehow and this rejection made her angry.

Quickly she sat up again, crossed her arms in front of her breast and put on a menacing expression.

"Me, I didn't do anything, I just came in here to ask you something and you grabbed me and started kissing me. You dirty, pervert, Baka. You Ecchi, you"

X

Each of the last seven words louder than the one before until she growled the last. "You" at him. slapping him over the head.

He winced and tried to retreat, but she caught his ear and twisted. Now he yelped.

"If you ever do something like this again or dare to boast about it to your stupid hentai friends, I'll give you a good arse-whupping!"

X

Shinji was so afraid he could only nod, retreating as far from her as it was possible without actually falling out of his bed.

Strangely enough, seeing this reaction, Asuka felt a sharp pain in her chest.

_"Didn't he like it?"_

She asked herself.

"_Doesn't matter, that's not what this is about.."_

X

She stared at him shooting arrows out of her eyes for a while.

Her ragged breathing slowly returned to normal and her flushed cheeks returned to their usual colour.

Shinji watched her silently from the other end of the futon, then finally he asked in a hushed voice.

"Asuka, what did you want?"

"Huh?"

"Y...you said you wanted to ask me something. How can I help you?"

"You, help me? As if Baka."

For a moment he looked quite angry, before he reverted to his usual gentle ways.

"_She comes into my room in the deep of the night let's me kiss her and then she acts like this..."_

"Then what did you want to ask?"

X

The question was like a cold shower for the german girl.

All the easing of the terror the kiss and the following banter had provided was lost instantly, when she had to remember her nightmares.

_"Oh Gott! I can't go through with it. How can I actually believe, __**he**__ could help me?"_

The problem was, a a part of her was sure he could indeed help her and she absolutely couldn't live through another night like this.

She swallowed, hard.

Maybe she swallowed part of her pride with it.

She began to speak, as fast as possible, because she was afraid she might stop herself.

"Shinji, I do really need your help. I really, really do. Sorry for all this just now.

You see.. for months I've had this terrible nightmares and they are getting worse everyday.

I really can't continue like this,

I can't sleep properly for almost a month now.

And I'm at my limits. That's why I hit you so hard last Friday and on Tuesday.

You know I didn't want to do this anymore, right? And I felt terrible afterwards, because of it.

And yesterday I even slapped Hikari... And I... I..."

X

She started to cry again, ashamed and disgusted by her weakness, but unable to stop.

X

"Please let me sleep here. When you're around I can feel safe. Please help me."

X

X

Shinji was baffled by what happened, first his dream turned into reality. What a kiss.

He still felt the sweet touch of her lips, the smell of her hair and skin. He remembered the feeling of her warm body in his embrace.

X

And now she looked at Shinji with her beautiful eyes full of tears.

Begging him, without words now, to help her.

To see her delicate features, contorted through pain and fear, made **him** feel actual pain in his chest.

He felt his heart open up to her, like always.

All he wanted was to be there for her, but she wouldn't allow it normally.

Even know he knew Asuka clang to her pride, they were closer now, but she couldn't regularly let go of her barriers and defences.

And he knew how much it had cost her to open up to him and how desperate she had to be to do so.

But she had just told him, that she felt safe when he was around, he couldn't believe how good that made him feel in return.

X

He put his hands on the free part of the bed.

"You can sleep here, no problem. I'd do anything for you."

He couldn't believe he really said this, and blushed heavily

X

Asuka sighed happily, like a great weight had been lifted from her.

She didn't want to give the boy time to think it over.

Hastily she threw her bedding next to Shinji, jumped into the bed and pulled her blanket up to her shoulders. Then she switched off his reading light and turned around to lie on her left side, facing him.

It all happened in less than ten seconds and Shinji was left staring blanky into the dark room before him...

When his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could see her watching him intently.

Her features seemed much more relaxed now, she gave him a shy smile, which sent shivers through his body.

Slowly her right arm emerged from under her blanket and she gently stroke his cheek.

Suddenly she moved closer to him, so that her face was only centimetres from his.

"Thank you."

She whispered and he could feel her breath on his face, this time it send shivers down his spine.

Then she gave him a quick kiss on his lips, turned around and snuggled herself into the sheets.

Shinji's hand wandered to his lips as if tracing the last races of her sweet lips.

X

When he awoke later in the night, she had snuggled up against him and had put his left arm around her waist.

She breathed slow and regularly and her face had an relaxed expression under the pale light of the moon which shone through his window now.

Shinji sighed happily.

"Asuka, suki dayo. I love you."

He thought the words he didn't dare to speak out loud.

He lay there for a long time, contend with just watching her, feeling her warmth against his body.

X  
X

From that day on she slept in his room.

Each night she slipped through his door, the moment Misato went to bed. and snuggled up to him, his arm around her waist.

There always were both his and her blankets between them and only a small part of her back actually touched his body.

But he still lost some sleep, laying awake, feeling the warmth of her body on his arm, listening to the sound of her breathing.

X

A few days later Misato entered the room, while Asuka was still sleeping, she took a sharp breath to start yelling, but was stopped short, when she saw the serious expression on his face and his "shush" gesture.

Slowly he left the bed careful not to wake the beautiful redhead, walked out of his room in pyjamas, gesturing for a baffled Misato to follow him into the kitchen, after she closed his door.

X

He began to prepare breakfast, waiting for Misato to regain her composure.

"Shinji, what is this all about?"

His guardians voice was dangerously quiet

"You two are only fourteen years old, I really can't allow you any shenanigans."

The Boy turned around, facing the older woman, looking puzzled.

"What's a shenanigan?"

He inquired with a puzzled expression.

Misato couldn't believe it. The nerve of that kid.

"Doesn't matter. I want to know how Asuka can be sleeping in your bed?

I know how you feel about her and to be honest I know enough teenagers at that age already have sex, but Shinji, I really can't allow it. Sorry."

"We, I mean I.. but .. it's not like that."

The boy stammered weakly his face turning a dark red.

He swallowed hard, Then he began to explain it to Misato, in his quiet, serious voice.

"She's having nightmares. She told me she couldn't sleep for weeks.

You remember how sick she looked last week?"

Seeing the Major nod, he continued.

"Misato, she was crying, begging me to help her. She was so desperate.

She said she feels safe when she's around me."

While he slowly told her how the girl he loved suffered, tears ran down his cheeks.

But when he had finished, he actually looked pleased with himself, or more with the fact that he was able to help Asuka in this way.

X

Misato knew exactly why, Asuka admitting that she needed help and even confessing that she felt safe around him, meant a lot to Shinji.

That was probably the moment, where she recognized just how deep his feelings for the high-strung german girl were, the fact alone, that despite his usual restricted ways he'd opened up to her with his explanation and the worry on his face, clearly showed that this was no mere boyish crush, but as Misato called it in her head "full throttle love."

Misato walked over to Shinji, ruffled his hair and wrapped her arm around his shoulder.

The kid regarded her with a serious expression on his face. He clearly didn't quite understand her reaction.

After she had given the matter some thought, she asked:

"So what do you think we should do, Shinji-kun, any ideas.?"

The boy nodded earnestly.

"Yes, to be honest I have. So far she hasn't told me too much, but I think it is important to know what her nightmares are about or if she knows what causes them."

X

He sighed.

"And I really think she should, you know, get some therapy, because I don't know whether **we** can really help her.

Yesterday she told me that she really considered suicide, because she couldn't take it anymore."

Misato felt moved, he was so concerned, it shone out through his soulful, dark-blue eyes

"Misato, I think it is really serious, I worry about her everyday.

I almost can't stand letting her out of my sight, for fear what will happen."

X

Wordlessly Misato embraced the boy in a tight hug. To her astonishment Shinji embraced her as well and started sobbing into her jacket. And it was her favourite red one too. Damn.

Misato felt a sharp sting of guilt in her heart, N.E.R.V. had taken three broken and hurt teenagers and forced them to endure horrible things, Yes even forced them into doing horrible things themselves.

She knew there was no other way to save humanity from the threat of the Angels, but it had come at a high cost.

X

Rei's terrible upbringing, everybody important person in her life seeing her only as a tool, until she met Shinji.

Dying twice, only to be reborn in a new body.

X

Asuka's terrible past, the devastating attack on her mind and back then, nobody was really interested in helping her, they just wanted her to be usable again, which ultimately led into suicide attempts and catatonia.

X

Shinji's past was almost as terrible, then he was hurt again and again piloting EVA, had to feel guilty about crippling one of his friends.

All that coupled with the fact that his father acted like a monster when it came to the kid.

X

_"I just hope, I can help them as much as I helped to hurt them. Oh Kaji, why did you leave me alone? I could use your help with that and so many other things. I'm doing my best to make up for it, but it's so hard for me to do it alone." _

Thinking about Kaji still hurt like hell, but in a way Misato cherished the feeling.

X

Finally Shinji's crying stopped and he looked up at her, rubbing his swollen, red eyes.

She ruffled his hair again.

X

"Okay Shinji, I think will try your way and I agree that Asuka probably needs therapy. But boy, are we in for a fight to get her to accept that."

She looked straight into his eyes.

"One thing, Shinji. You know I feel terrible about some of the things N.E.R.V. did to you kids."

He opened her mouth, as if to interrupt her.

"No don't say it!

You are wrong, I played my part.

Even before you and Asuka arrived here, I watched Ritsuko tormenting Rei again and again and didn't do a thing about it.

So what I want from you is really important. Help me make Asuka talk with me about her dreams, I want to be there for her. I have to."

Shinji looked as if he was weighin opinions inside his mind, but then he simply nodded.

X

"Wow!" the young woman thought: " a conscience really is a terrible thing. I need beeeeeeer!"

Just then Asuka walked out of Shinji's room, looking at the two of them, standing in front of the stove hugging, through sleepy eyes.

"Ugh! Misato is hentai Shinji putting the moves on you?"

She laughed scornfully.

"You shouldn't encourage him, since you are so old, you could practically be his mother."

Misato scowled at her and returned the vitriol.

"You are one to talk young lady, and that when I saw the two young lovers snuggling in Shinji's bed just 15 minutes ago."

Asuka shrieked in outrage:

"Not true, we were only.. I mean I was... no, Baka Shinji was..."

She blushed till her face was almost crimson and ran into the bathroom.

Misato smiled at Shinji who returned the smile uncomfortably.

X

Then, a minute after the bathroom door slammed shut, a honey coated voice was heard:

"Shinji, can you make me some pancakes for breakfast, please? The American kind? with maple syrup?"

"Sure ,Asuka."

Misato just watched amazed as Shinji sprinted back into his room and emerged half a minute later, wearing knee-long shorts and jumping on one leg, while trying to get his second foot into his sneakers.

X

Misato opened a can of beer and took a long swig.

"Whatcha doing, Shinji-kun?"

Having finale managed to put on his shoes, he cried: "Buying maple sirup." and dashed out of the apartment in less than ten seconds.

Misato took another swig, burbed and mused:

"Ah, that's better! Boy she really has him wrapped around her fingers."

The major chuckled to herself.

X

X

From that day on Asuka slept on a futon in Shinji's room next to his bed.

Most of the time that seemed to be enough, still occasionally the young redhead stumbled into the boy's bed at night, usually with tears in her eyes.

X

Shinji had to work hard, to get Asuka to open up and it was taxing to the boy as well. He felt his heart break, whenever Asuka told him another part of her dreams, slumped down on the couch or on her futon, looking down at her feet, speaking to herself and all the while crying quietly.

One day he couldn't stand it anymore, it was breaking his heart to see her like that.

He sat down beside her and put his arms around her slim shoulders, and Asuka his proud and strong friend clung to him and continued to speak faltering. Sharing her horrific dreams with him.

X

Still there was progress, she could sleep in peace most of the time, it was just that the images from her dreams continued to haunt her by day.

X

It took weeks for Shinji to get the young german girl to agree to talk with Misato.

The problem was she still didn't really trust Misato's commitment, feeling the major had already failed her twice.

Back when she was her guardian years ago, she had never really connected to the girl and then when Asuka was at her lowest, Misato chose to rather defend Shinji than help her.

So it sure wasn't going to be easy, but Shinji didn't give in until Asuka was finally ready to at least try to speak with the Major.

X

The two women (rather the girl and the woman) sat on the couch, sipping hot cocoa out of giant mugs, a plate with still warm cookies before them on the table.

X

Asuka mostly tried to ignore her, while Misato harped on and on about, Asuka being able to trust her.

X

"Yeah, fat chance!"

She thought.

"I'll never be able to trust you again. You abandoned me, not once but twice."

X

It was enough, Asuka was on a shirt fuse already, so she decided to just get it into the open and be done with it.

"Look Misato, it's not that I don't like you, 'cause I do.

It's not like I don't believe you that you mean well. I **do **believe you."

And there her voice broke a little bit.

" B-but I can't trust you, I just can't..

I could have died Misato, I tried to kill myself ,but you couldn't spare the time for me. It was always Shinji here, Shinji there.

I know I treated him badly, but I was the one who was broken at the time. You should have been there for **me**."

Misato wanted to scream.

"_I didn't know! No one told me. You didn't tell me."_

She couldn't. Considering the state Asuka had been in, when she was found in the bathtub of an abandoned building, everyone who wasn't totally naïve or a complete fool could easily recognize what she had been trying to do."

X

The beautiful german girl turned around to look Misato straight into the eyes.

Her normally so bright blue orbs were misted and she emanated an aura of sadness and depression.

There were deep shadows beneath those eyes.

Asuka had always been lean, almost too thin, but there was no almost anymore. Her face looked gaunt now, with the cheekbones very prominent.

X

"I could have died then Misato, I almost did."

X

Her voice broke again.

"Why did none of you care enough to help me? You only wanted me as a pilot and when I wasn't able to do it anymore..."

X

The tears were coming freely now and Asuka started to sob.

She was so angry at herself, it seemed she couldn't do anything more than cry these days. She tried to hold it in, but failed miserably.

Only when she was in her EVA, did she feel like her old self again.

The part of her mother that lived in Unit 02 comforted her and managed to keep all the darkness away.

The only other part of her life that was tolerable was when Shinji was around.

A part of her still hated her weakness, having to depend on someone she had always perceived as weak.

But she was sure she could trust him now. He wouldn't leave her alone anymore and frankly **she** didn't want to push him away any longer.

The only person she trusted in recent years had been Kaji, now that he was gone, Shinji seemed to fill that place inside her and being unusually honest she admitted, that he more than filled Kaji's place.

The third child was becoming increasingly important to her.  
But what if even Shinji wouldn't be able to help her anymore,

Tormented by the raging emotions and the pain and fear inside, Asuka stumbled to her feet and stood before the living room table, shaking.

X

Misato felt crushed, looking at the desperate girl next to her.

It was far worse than she thought, Asuka was almost as miserable as during her depression after the 15th Angel's attack.

_"I thought, Shinji was able to help her. But it seems there's a limit to it, that must be the reason why he's been so troubled lately."_

It might even be possible that the young german girl would return into a catatonic condition.

Misato swore herself she wouldn't let it happen again.

X

"Asuka, I see how hurt you are. Your friends see it as well.

We want to help, I want to help."

X

"Don't have no friends, leave me alone.

X

She was just standing there unmoving, her head low and her voice sounded devoid of any emotion.

"Hikari is your friend, Shinji-kun is your friend. I'll be glad to be be your friend whenever you give me the chance."

X

"Don't want to. Leave me."

X

"I'm not going to leave you again."

X

"You will. Everybody always does."

X

"No, I'll never, never give up on you again, I promise. Just let me help."

X

"LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ! I HATE YOU! GO AWAY!

X

The second child yelled at the top of her lungs.

X

"No, I'm not going away, we'll not let you down this time."

X

"LEAVE ME ALONE ! LEAVE ME ! KILL ME! PLEASE, KILL ME!"

X

And with that last cry, she jumped at Misato and attacked her without restraint.

X

Only the fact that Asuka was not exactly at her best, saved Misato the worst bruises.

X

After a fight with a feral little minx, Misato finally managed to catch the girl.

She held her on her lap, embracing her with both arms, while at the same time, effectively pinning down both the girls arms.

Still Asuka thrashed and flailed around. Crying and screaming at the top of her voice.

X

When Misato had a moment to catch her breath, she saw that Shinji was standing in the living room door. shocked by what was happening. in front of him.

Slowly he began to walk up to the couch. but Misato really couldn't pay him much attention, she had to get her face and head out of the way, when ever Asuka threw herself back, trying to use her skull to rearrange Misato's face.

X

Misato gestured for Shinji to walk up to her.

"Shinji-kun help me, I've got one idea, if this doesn't work then we have to get her to a hospital."

At the mention of this word, Asuka's wailing increased in volume once again.

She thrashed around furiously, screaming at the top of her voice, a heartbreaking, soul-piercing scream of pure pain.

"Shinji, we're just going to hold her, maybe it'll calm her down, when she feels the embrace,"

It was layman's psychology at best, if you even allowed to call it such, but what apart from knocking the girl out were they supposed to do.

They sat down next to Asuka's and both embraced her.

The redhead continued to cry and scream, hurling curses at them and tried to get free.

But slowly, oh so slowly she became calmer and her rage seemed to leave her,

With that fuel gone, her legs gave away under, and she would have fallen, if not four Shinji and Misato holding her.

She continued sobbing quietly and then looked first at Shinji, than at Misato.

a puzzled expression on her face.

X

Misato begun to pat Asuka's head.

"We're not going away. We're not going to leave you. I promise you, I will always give my best to help you and Shinji-kun. I love you both, you are my family."

X

The young redhead, just looked into Misato's eyes, not moving but scanning her face, with a concentrated gaze, as if she tried to discover any deceit.

X

This surely wasn't easy. Misato wasn't used to let others get really close to her.

But the children were already close to her heart, so much was true.

So she continued to caress Asuka's face, trying to be as open as possible.

X

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I should have let you get close to me when I was first appointed as your guardian.

At that time I couldn't really accept the responsibility. I was so young myself and still dealing with my own problems.

Then we had to put the interests of humanity before yours.

We had to, but we could have done a better job, all of you were unnecessarily hurt and we really can't just put the blame on Commander Ikari again.

I did my part, no matter how much remorse I feel now."

X

Still no reaction from Asuka.

X

"All I can do is promise to you that I will do my best. Now and until you don't need me any more, I'll be your guardian first and being a member of N.E.R.V. will always be second on my list."

X

Finally Asuka's features showed some expression, but the uncertainty and wariness, was almost as heartbreaking.

X

"You promise?"

She said in a small and timid voice.

"What?"

"You promise that you won't desert me? That you both will always be there for me?"

X

Then, she added almost as an afterthought, as if she didn't dare hope this.

X

"Promise that you will love me?"

X

Misato smiled broadly and sincere.

"Yes, on all three counts. I'll be there for you and I already love you both."

X

With that the normally so brash girl, shyly wrapped her arms around the young woman and returned her embrace.

Then Shinji, in an unusually bold move, joined the two women, hugging them both. They sat there for a few minutes, on the floor of their apartment.

Both Misato and Shinji felt that Asuka needed this reassurance.

When had the girl been embraced the last time, before she'd opened up to Shinji?

Her abusive personality had so long prevented anybody from getting closer to her and this had left her so lonely, like no one deserved.

X

Finally after Shinji began to feel a bit uncomfortable in the embrace because he could feel Asuka's heartbeat next to his (and what was situated directly above this heartbeat).

"_Man, perhaps Asuka is right when she calls me hentai, if I react to her breasts even in a situation like this."_

Almost as if she could read his thoughts the redhead turned to him .

"Don't get any wrong ideas, baka hentai, this is strictly friendship."

X

And for the moment Shinji felt that was enough.

This evening marked the day, where all three of them really accepted that this was now their family.

X

* * *

X

x

_**Author's notes:**_

_**Just so you know, this won't be the only jump forward in time.**_

_**I simply can't describe everything that's happening.**_

_**And I think most of it would be boring to read anyway.**_

_**Just like I can't really describe the psychotherapy Asuka is about to undergo.**_

_**I'm no therapist and I don't claim to know enough to describe it realistically.**_

_**On the other hand, I'm in therapy myself since a terrible bout with depression last summer, which led me to consider death as nothing that terrible.**_

_**And from my own experience I can say that psychotherapy goes a long way as long as you are willing to really open up to your therapist.**_

_**I see Asuka's experiences as a cathartic moment and I believe it would be enough to make her turn to therapy, if she is encouraged enough, that's why it's going to happen in my story.**_

_**Next will be a summer festival and some serious Shinji/Asuka waffiness.**_

_**This will be set almost two more years in the future.**_

_**After that we'll reach the moment when Seele 07's revenge starts.**_

_**Normally I expect to finish this story with chapter 7, but I honestly can't tell how much time it will take until I get there.**_

X

**As always RnR, because I need the support to fuel my creativity.**


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